Mamarati

Are the Republicans trying to ride on the wave of pride leftover from the Olympics or something? Do they know they aren’t campaigning in China? It’s really weird to me to see all that chanting start up. Ummm, we’re all Americans here. I think no matter what side of the issues you are on, most of us just want what’s best for the country.

I don’t know, I think there are enough things that we disagree on that we don’t need to add a fake thing. It’s strangely alienating.

Now, I said I was going to talk more about politics, because it’s a pretty big part of life in this household. But… this is a conversation so large and complex, I just don’t think I can even begin.

I will try, though. I always think it must be nice for those people who are absolutely 100 percent sure of how they feel or believe about anything. I’m not that way. There are very few issues that are black and white for me. And there is no platform that I am 100 percent behind. I lean lately more toward the Democratic party not so much because of what they are but what they aren’t. And because of who I am right now. And because it’s one of the few two choices out there.

I think it’s really unfair that a candidate has to line up with a party so completely. There are very few say, Republicans that are pro-choice. Or Democrats that are against choice. A few. But it’s like so much hinges on that issue, for example. And if you believe the opposite way of how you’re “supposed” to for your party, it’s like you’re some kind of traitor instead of some kind of person who has come to a different conclusion about a thing. It’s like you’re forced into believing (or at least saying you believe) a certain way.

And I think that’s terrible. And it’s so terribly dishonest. And it makes the media coverage of things like elections or crises a big lie. You see these spokespersons and pundits up there one minute talking about how much they love McCain and think he made a great choice about picking Palin, and they’re all smiles and joy and bubbling with support. Then you go off camera and, Oops, open mic, and the story is completely different. They’re saying the exact opposite and slamming his choice.

And then there’s all this fakery about how we shouldn’t talk about Palin because she’s a woman, we shouldn’t talk about her being a mom. We shouldn’t talk about her kids. We shouldn’t talk about her pregnant teen. We shouldn’t question whether she can do both things. That’s anti-woman. Look how hard we’ve fought for blah blah blah blah.

No. Anyone who says we shouldn’t be discussing these things can just go on and stop talking about them. But for me, I will continue to talk about these things. Because some of these things are things we haven’t been talking about and quite frankly they are just the conversations we need to have. Can we, as women, as mothers, balance it all? Can we do it all? Are we superwomen?

I mean, you can continue to be a martyr if you want and you can say bring on the challenges. Bring on the adversity. Make it hard, as hard as you can. Don’t give me any slack just because I’m a woman or a mother. To that, I say NO. We do need to be protected on the job against discrimination. WHY? Because discrimination against moms happens. We do need privacy and more breaks for pumping milk. WHY? Because not everyone wants to feed their kid formula and because that’s how breastfeeding works. Supply and demand. We do need flexible work hours. It’s not a 9-to-5 world any more and why should it be anyway? It would help more than just moms, it would ease traffic burdens and energy costs, too. We do need flexibility about where to work. Because not every job requires my butt to be sitting in a seat in an office somewhere when I could be doing it (and probably even more efficiently) at home, thus reducing child care costs, etc.

So, with this Palin stuff, I am afraid that some people are going to get this idea that, WOW, here’s this powerful woman and she’s doing it all. How amazing. If she can do it, anyone can do it. She went back to work just days after having a baby. So you can back to work just days after having a baby. She got on the plane when her water had broken, so you can, too. She has five kids and is going to try and be the Vice President, so what’s your problem that you can’t work a few hours or 20 of overtime?

Know what I mean? And I’m sorry, she may have that small-town background, but make no mistake that what she’s doing now and what she’s been doing for the past few years is not at all middle class. I don’t know too many poor folks or even middle class folks that can afford a nanny and a housekeeper. I also know that most families don’t have kids spread out that far apart where the teens can take care of the babies and younger kids. Most of us do not have child care that is so flexible we could leave the house at a moment’s notice without completely disrupting our kids every time. Most of us do not have husbands that stay home with our kids.

Of all the women that I know with kids who also work, very few of them have husbands that do a significant portion of things like taking care of the kids or taking care of stuff around the house like cooking or cleaning. Certainly nothing like half of it even though they may be working as many or more hours than their husbands. There are exceptions to this, of course, but not an overwhelming amount. Not many of their husbands woke up in the night with their babies or do laundry regularly or sweep, mop, dust… and very few cook regularly, plan the meals or shop for the food. If the kids are sick and someone needs to stay home with the kids, most of the time it’s mom. If the kids need to go to the doctor, it’s probably mom that takes them. And this goes beyond just the people I know, too. I mean, my kid has tons of health issues, and when we’re sitting at the allergy shot clinic, it’s 98 percent moms with the kids. Ditto all the other doctor’s appointments. This is how it works in my neighborhood.

So, the expectation that moms are just so wonderful and they can do anything and they can balance and juggle it all… that’s all sweet and quaint. But it’s not true. There’s a lot of sacrifice in there and a lot of suffering and resentfulness and guilt and we need to keep talking about it so it can get better. Of course motherhood without having an outside job is full of times of sacrifice and suffering and whatnot, I’m just saying that we don’t all have to put on this stoicism and run around like a bunch of friggin’ martyrs when we can talk about it, hash it all out and figure out what can make it better for women and for their kids and families overall. For society overall. I know many of us would like a little more joy and a little less hardship and I think we can get that if we keep this conversation going and not act like it’s taboo or it’s going to collapse everything that women have worked so hard for. Give me a break. We’re still working hard. Palin is not evidence that we’ve arrived, by far. Hillary isn’t either.

So, in short, regarding the working mom thing, I don’t think that anyone should confuse what Palin is doing with what working moms are doing. Palin is making sacrifices that are above and beyond what should be EXPECTED of a working mother. I’m sure she’s doing it because she feels she has a calling that goes beyond what she feels called to do directly for her family. Don’t kid yourself, no matter what you hear in the media… She knows that she’s not giving her family 100 percent. The only way you’d be so clueless is if you were in complete denial. BUT, that’s not to say that she doesn’t feel that what she’s doing is going to provide an even better life for them, for their kids, for their kids and generations on… there’s something to be said about making sacrifices now for huge change for the future.

But for your average working mom, that’s not what’s happening. And the support network that Palin has in place does not one iota resemble what that everyday working mom has to contend with. And the EXPECTATION should not be the same. It doesn’t even compare. And of course I realize that you can work and still be a good mom. But I also know that you can work and be a mom who is doing her best but is still leaving a lot to be desired in the parenting arena, whether you realize it or not. And I realize, too, that sometimes, these are the sacrifices that have to be made because food has to be on the table and a roof has to be over your heads. But I’m also saying that not talking about it and pretending that everything is perfect and fine — that’s not going to bring about any changes.

We have come a long way, but we need to keep going. When I was growing up, for example, and I lived with my dad and step-mom… there were a variety of tough things going on. I had lots of emotional problems, my mom was an alcoholic and I couldn’t live with her any more after the divorce, we had a big family (13 kids) that was just full of drama all the time… I could go on and on. My dad would leave the house before I ever woke up. He would get home many times after I’d gone to bed. My step-mom worked a split shift as a waitress and would be in bed or getting ready for work when I got up to go to school and would sometimes work till late in the evenings and I wouldn’t see her either. They were so tired when I did see them that they hardly had the energy to deal with me. I was the baby of the family so I’m not sure they had the energy left to deal with me anyway. On the weekends, she would still work or they would do housework, yard work or do their own thing. My dad was obsessed with our ginormous yard. It looked like a friggin’ golf course. His battle with moles is the stuff of legend. When I came home from school and let myself in the door (from about 2nd grade on) I was responsible for myself. I could wake up in the morning and roll off the side of my bed between it and the wall and my parents would think I’d gone to school. I could then go play in the woods all day long. Maybe that’s typical for a teen to do once in a while. No, I was doing this from 4th grade on. In 5th grade, I was in the office almost every day getting swats and I never did my homework. I was so clueless in math, so behind in it that when I looked at my assignments it was like trying to read a foreign language.

OK… my parents didn’t even know 99 percent of this stuff. And half the calls they got from the school they just ignored. Were my parents neglectful? Absolutely. But then how much choice did they have then when they had to stay afloat and my dad was an criminal defense attorney and could not cancel people’s court dates and he always had to be somewhere meeting with a client… and my stepmom would lose her job if she took time off to deal with me. This was the reality. Were they good parents? Actually, no. They weren’t. That is also reality. There was no one for me to talk to about my problems. No one told me about my period. No one explained the world to me. No one cared for me. No one noticed if I didn’t take a bath for a month. No one helped me recover from failing grades. No one noticed I had asthma or allergies. No one was happy to see me in the morning or at the end of the day. Hell, half the time I didn’t even see anyone so wouldn’t know if they were happy to see me or not.

I try to be forgiving and understanding when I look back at that time, but it’s not easy, really. I look at the sacrifices and I’m not sure what they were all for. They weren’t for me. I didn’t need that big house or those 8 acres of land. I didn’t need fancy lighting fixtures or a giant pond or a new Ford Mustang or plastic surgery or 50 trees to line the driveway. I needed an inhaler, an antihistamine and some help with my homework. I needed someone’s time.

I realize that my upbringing may not have been the most typical, but I know I’m not alone. And the more Burby parents can argue that they do get to spend time with their kids and that they do meet all their needs. Awesome. And other parents will argue that they may not meet all their needs but that they try their best. WooHoo. And there are other parents who are trapped in an existence that is so bleak, working two or more jobs or working and going to school and barely making ends meet and I don’t know what they will say… And I don’t know what to say to them. But I do know that what I won’t say is, “Hey, shut up. We don’t talk about this issue. You suck it up and deal with it because you’re a woman and this is what you wanted, isn’t it?”

There are so many different levels here and to deny the level another person is on is just nuts. I realize I’m rambling at this point, but hey, like I said… it’s complex. And there is no black and white. And your life is not someone else’s life so you should reserve your meanness and harsh judgment… but you should never stop talking about it or scrutinizing it or rolling it over and over in your mind to try to figure out what it all means. Because there is no one truth to this all. And it’s certainly not anything at all like what you see on either end of the political spectrum. Take down your defenses and look deep down inside and think about what you really want for your life and what you really want for your kids, for your sons and daughters… for their friends and their friend’s mothers. And don’t ever stop talking about it.

I love a good purge.

I mean, I love it afterward when I have room in a drawer, cabinet or closet.

Before the purge, I am not so in love. I don’t want to let go of a single thing. I think that the first 20 years of life — having nothing — made me spend the next 10 years collecting every little particle that entered my universe.

Then I had to make a series of moves. From giant apartments and a big house (complete with off site storage unit) into a tiny apartment. TINY. That helped me come to grips with my problem. It made me realize a few things…

First, that it’s OK to get rid of stuff. I’m going to get more stuff at some point. I will probably never be so addicted to something that I spend all my money on that one thing to the exclusion of everything else. I will not ignore the necessities of life like food, clothing and shelter in favor of something. That’s not me. That was my mother and I’m not my mother. Yay.

Second, all that stuff isn’t important any way. But, I like stuff. Why oh why do I like it so much??? What’s the deal with stuff? Who cares about all that stuff? It’s an encumbrance most of the time. You have to dust stuff. Pay movers to move stuff. Store stuff. Take care of stuff. Be responsible in the way you dispose of stuff. Ugh. For what?

Third, I don’t have to store every little thing that reminds me of some other little thing. I went through a phase where I thought I was really sentimental. And I kept every little thing. Every receipt, ticket stub, rock, blade of grass, pressed flower, cork… you name it. Ugh. Sure, it’s fun to look through those things once in a while, but what I realized was that the more stuff I saved in the name of sentimentality, the less all of it mattered. I’m not really all that sentimental anyway, so I don’t know what I was thinking. It’s OK to save things like that, though, but for me, it’s better not to.

Now, those are some of the things I learned. Putting those things in practice is another story. I’d say I’m doing pretty well, though. It took me 30 years to get to that point. It’s taken me six more to begin to apply the learning. I go slow. Rome wasn’t built in a day.

At any rate, I’m going through the closet now and I’ve committed to really narrowing it down. Throughout all my childhood, just about all my belongings would fit in one box. Nearly all my clothes would fit in a single suitcase. I could move every single thing I owned in my car — in one trip — up until the time I was about 23. I’m nowhere near that now, of course, and I don’t want to be… but I would love to take up about half the space in the closet that I do right now.

Mental note to self: Talk about how expensive clothes were back when everything wasn’t made in China.

Today, for whatever reason… I had focus all day long. I mean, from start to finish, even though I was doing things that pulled me in different directions, I still had my wits about me. I never once found myself looking around the room saying, “How did I get here?” or “Why am I here?” And I did not ever find something in my hand and think, “What was I going to do with this?”

Nice.

Maybe my mind is coming back to me.

I started keeping track of my food again. I’m sure that will last all of about 3 days. Read the rest of this entry »

So, I saw this statistic today:

“Of the typical 48 hours spent weekly on household chores, children average 6 hours, husbands 10, and wives 32.”

Are you friggin’ kidding me?

Who the hell is spending 48 hours WEEKLY on household chores.

Shit, I don’t spend 48 hours doing any one thing in a week.

I cannot even imagine what I would fill those hours with. Are these people, like, polishing doorknobs or something?

I don’t even spend the 32 hours that “wives” spend.

Hell, I don’t even spend the 6 hours that kids do.

I don’t know who these people are either. I think this statistic is askew. awry. awrong.

something.

It’s officially my spring break.

I don’t feel like it is really, but, whatever.

I’m waiting on a couple of books to arrive from Amazon. One of them I need for class… I was at my “renewal limit” at the library so had to break down and buy it… and the other I need to do a term paper.

They’re about slow as Christmas.

I should have cooked dinner tonight, but I didn’t. I did a bunch of work and Christina came over. She’s asleep on the couch now. I’ve heard her thing go off several times now. Thing being alarm in this case.

I’ve really been losing words lately. I may have mentioned this before. If I did, I don’t remember.

And that’s the whole damn point.

I think I’m trying to think of so many things at once and I’m so distracted all the time… preoccupied. See, I had to stop and take nearly a full minute to think of that word, even. What the ?

There goes her alarm again.

She’s notoriously awful at waking up.

I think I might have lead poisoning. Perhaps that’s the problem with my memory. I’m losing my vocabulary small bits at a time. Pretty soon I won’t be able to tie my shoes or drive a car.

It’s those dishes from Mexico, I just know it.

–

Speaking of which, I’ve decided not to garden this year. I’m wanting to save the money for our trip to Mexico in December. The water bills were so high last year and for a whole lot of nothing. Once it got hot I didn’t want to be out there weeding and tending the garden. When I’m ready for it again, I’m going to have square foot garden beds closer to the house. Less work. Less water. Less space. More food. All that sounds good to me.

Plus, I really just want to focus on getting all the damn stickers out of an area of the yard so we can walk on it, and I want to get the areas around the house looking less trashy. I want to plant perennials and bulbs and things like that in beds around the house that I don’t have to mess with so much every year. Native plants and such that can tolerate 60+ days over 100 degrees with no rain.

–

I think my vagina is broken again. The last week or so I’ve really just been feeling very asexual. I have no idea what it is, either. I’m not on Claritin, which is a hard core sex drive killer, btw. I think it may just be that I’m not taking very good care of myself. You know, I don’t feel good about me right now, because I’m doling myself out to so much other stuff. School and work and Jacob and everything is just in such a limbo state. I’m really inbetween everything. Not done with school. Work’s never done and never where I really want it to be. Jacob’s got so much going on and I’m fighting the school once again. He’s not where I want him to be. My relationship with my boyfriend is in a permanent state of limbo. And that shouldn’t bother me, I mean, because I am very happy and know that taking that last step isn’t going to change the way we are… but it’s still like suspended animation or something.

I guess I just hate having so many things open. I’m ready for the part in my life where I rest. I’m ready to be where I’m going. I’m ready to stop all the going. It’s like that feeling of never being caught up.

And when I get in that rut, I’m never taking care of me. I’m never really eating right or sleeping right or expending energy in a balanced way. I’m never able to just read a book for pleasure or take an afternoon nap on a weekend just because I want to. I’m never able to turn my thoughts off and relax. Because something is always pending.

I just don’t feel right overall.

Today, I got a lot of stuff done. A lot of stuff that I have been meaning to do forever. And of course, because I did all that, I decided that I should start a new project, that is bigger than anything I have done before.

Because I’m about to start school (have I mentioned the 17 hours? I’m sure I have at least 17hundred times, no?) and I will just have all the time in the world for new work projects.

What am I thinking?

It’s just such a good idea.

In other news, the boyfriend and I just went and bought a new bed. The old bed sucks so bad, it’s like this antique size that you have to have special made and of course that costs more than a house. So, the bed-buying thing was freaking me out… I mean, it’s not like buying an mp3 player or something where you can go online and find out what a bajillion people think is the best one and there isn’t an army of bed nerds on here doing a point-by-point review of every mattress that has ever existed…

There’s not that. Just a bunch of crap about how many coils you should get and to avoid lots of toxic materials and whatnot.

It was worse than buying a bathing suit.

Until we went to the little ole family mattress joint up the road… and then things got really easy. These guys have been in business for a long time. They didn’t give us any crap or put any pressure on us… just told us which beds sell well and then told us to go lay on them all.

So we ended up getting this Simmon’s BeautyRest bit with a pillow top… it’s soft because of that, but then underneath it feels all firm, like it’s not going to give way too much and be saggy in spots or anything like that.

All in all we spent like $600 bucks (half of which was a Christmas present from boyfriend’s dad) and it’s the same mattress that Sears and all those corporate type stores are selling for twice as much (or more).

I feel fine.

Well, actually I don’t feel fine yet, because the mattress isn’t going to be here until Thursday… but I feel good about the decision at least and it was a lot less painful than I thought it was going to be. I was bracing myself for a full-on nervous breakdown.

We went to Taco Bueno and had celebratory tacos.

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Then David and Brandon came over and had drinks and played Scrabble and the Wii.

And of course because I was tipsy I wanted to have that fun, uninhibited kind of lovin’ with boyfriend later… you know, the kind of lovin’ that comes when vodka makes me forget what all my flabby parts look like hangin’ in the breeze…

Good stuff.

More in a bit, need to get Jacob into bed. He came home sick from school today and he’s so stuffed up. Not so stuffed up that he can’t play Grand Turismo, however. But definitely enough to miss school.

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Or is that just for the cold?

It’s 105 here. Again. And it will be tomorrow. I think today was day 33 of triple digit heat. And rain. There is no rain. I know what happens though… the clouds come here, very briefly, to suck every bit of moisture out of the ground and then they move somewhere else that is most definitely not here to dump it.

I’m tired of it.

I’m ready to move to Canadia.

I will write more in a minute… I thought I was ready to sit down and do this, and have discovered that I am not.

There’s no consumable ice in this house.

Why do I have an ice maker? Tell me this… How much bigger a fridge could I have gotten for the price of the non-functioning ice maker?

So, we went to Ikea, and now I have the nerdiest desk ever. I love it. It’s called Jerker.

I had no idea till we got it home, but apparently I’m not the only nerd who loves it.

I also got a new chair (hopefully, no more back pain) and have the dual screen thing going on. It’s rockin.

I might actually be able to write something worth two shits at work now. Woohoo.

And my boyfriend moved his desk in here, so we’ve got dueling desks. It actually looks pretty good, a lot better than I thought it would, and I think we’ll both be more comfortable in here.

We’ve officially declared this side of the house (with the bedrooms and office space) a dog-free zone, since every time we moved a piece of furniture there was practically another dog underneath from all the shedding. UGH.

More later, I’m tired… have more to tell about house rearrangement time and such, but a bath is calling my name.

My head is killing me.

And Missy is laying under my feet like she wants something.

Which would require me getting up.

And I’m hot.

And bitchy.

Why suddenly I’m bitchy?

I guess it’s the head thing. I know I should be going to bed. Morning comes earlier and earlier around here.

In other news, this weekend was a fest of shopping somewhat.

Domestica and all. Lowe’s. The boyfriend got all handy-dandy and put a shelf up in the laundry room and installed a new digital thermostat to replace the oh-so-dangerous mercury filled one. You know, it was one of those where if you stomped hard enough or slammed a door it would turn on the heat…

He also got a new shovel to replace the one he broke. He was out digging up a bit of the third of an acre for a wildflower patch and broke it right in half.

Very manly, I assure you.

I got a bunch of seeds and a seed-starter kit… and it had these little peat pellets that expand when you water them…

I planted jalapenos, red hot pokers, echinacea, snapdragons, cilantro, white daisies and basil…

So far… those things are pretty cool, so I may go get another tray of them.

We went driving around and looking at cool old houses and then found a Cafe Express. Had never eaten there, but remember reading about it one time and wanting to. It was good. All fresh and tasty and the little condiment bar thing had olives and Parmesan and sun-dried tomatoes and good breadsticks… all kinds of flavored olive oils and such.

We also went to the dollar store and got a pore sucker and some other crap.

The pore sucker didn’t work, but it looks and sounds menacing enough. The cat’s scared of it.

My head hurts too bad to continue. I need to lay. rest. relax. sleep.

The best feeling is getting paid and then going to the grocery store after planning a menu of things you’ve never cooked before but can’t wait to try… spending exactly the amount you projected… and then sitting and waiting for that first meal to be done.

I am waiting right now.

I love cooking.

And eating. It’s a wonder I don’t weigh five hundred pounds.

So, here are the plans I have for food over the next so and so days (there will always be leftover nights. yay.)

Greek Turkey Burgers with Greek Tomato Salad

Hungarian Chicken Paprikas and Spaetzle

Crescent Chicken Rolls and Corn/Salad

Beer Battered Fish and Hush Puppies (substitute jalapenos for the green peppers) and Amish Slaw

Rosemary Roasted Salmon and Tomato Basil Bruschetta

4 Minute Spicy Garlic Shrimp and Sesame Roasted Green Beans with Rice

Sunshine Curry Chicken

Tonight it’s the Crescent Chicken Rolls and man that filling was good while I was rolling them up.

They’re almost done and Jacob is almost out of the bath and Lost is on tonight…

Such a good night.

So, I have what may be the most wired, geeked out little house in the area. I mean, I can go sit in the “way back” of the yard and still work and surf till my heart’s content. I can hook the iBook up to the TV and we can all play text twist. I have wireless controllers for the Game Cube. We have four TVs. We have four computers. We have five webcams (none hooked up at the moment, but all of them could be. AT ONCE.) We have five video game systems. And on and on. There’s no end to the geeky stuff we can accomplish around here.

And I was thinking about all this as I washed the dishes today.

By hand.

Because we don’t own a dishwasher.

I know. It builds character, right?

Jacob is old enough, he’s almost 10. So, I should have him help me with the dishes, I know. I was doing dishes at a much earlier age, by hand, and we owned a dishwasher. But he is really the most clumsy child, and he comes by it naturally. I am all thumbs and two left feet and a complete and total spaz. We would not own dishes for long if that was his chore.

I mean, I broke a glass a day for the first two weeks after we moved. Which wasn’t such a bad thing considering the cabinet space is limited. I can now fit all the glasses we own (not including coffee cups) on half a shelf.

So I know he’d not fare much better.

I’ve really been slack with him when it comes to household responsibilities. I need to get better about that. I’ve been reading this article from Natural Family Online about giving kids chores, and I guess I’m not “sending an incredibly powerful message that I believe he is capable and I believe in him” since I haven’t assigned him regular stuff to do around the house.

I am going to work on this.

Meanwhile, somewhere I saw an ad that said, “Free Krispy Kreme Doughnut & Coffee when you join ClubMom Free Today!”

And I started to mentally count the number of e-mail addresses I could use to sign up for that.

Hmmm…