Mamarati

I had a dream that Jacob and I were in the backyard with Missy. I was picking up cardboard boxes and the tornado siren started going off. I yelled for Jacob to come inside and get in the closet and I started yelling at Missy to come in but she wouldn’t come.

I knew there was stuff in the closet that I had to get out, so I went and started pulling it all out and chucking it everywhere. Jacob and Missy were still not inside, so I went to the back door and saw Jacob carrying Missy to get her in. Once they were both in, I went back to pulling all the stuff out of the closet and was yelling for Jacob to get in, but he was nowhere to be found. Finally he appeared with couch cushions in his hand, ready to get in the closet.

We got in the closet and the tornado came and was destroying the house. I was holding onto Jacob really tightly, but felt like I was being sucked upward. Then all of a sudden, I was laying on top of some boards and there was a broken board going through my side and pinning me to the boards I was on top of. I couldn’t move. I started calling out to Jacob to see if he was OK. He came over to me and cut his feet on lots of glass. I told him that I was going to die and to just stay with me. He was complaining about his feet and I told him that I hoped when I was gone he would remember to put his shoes on like I told him to do.

A police car drove by and Jacob ran out to get them. They loaded me in the back of an ambulance soon after and I used one of the paramedic’s cell phones to call my boyfriend. I told him that he needed to leave work and go take care of the house and he told me he couldn’t leave work because he had some things to do. I told him he needed to go and salvage what he could and then told him not to worry about any of my stuff since I was going to die.

And then I woke up.

Weird.

I dream of tornadoes all the time.

I dreamt about the house. I have dreamt about this house before… it’s a chronological dream, I think. This house is on a hill, not at the top of a big hill or something, but just on a sort of slope with other houses in a neighborhood. It’s small and old. Seems like last time I had the dream I was newly on my own with a baby. Had to have been Jacob. I went to work at a child care center that was like, the utopia of all child care centers. Anyway, this time, when I went back to the house, it was as if I had abruptly left the house from the previous time I was there, and everything had been left just the way it was when I left. More about this later, but little details- fridge full of turkeys, lots of irons, packages and mail out in the mailbox, tons of cartons of michelob light in little yogurt containers, a hilton finder laptop, remnants of having gone to new york on a business trip, khaki pants like the ones I just saw in my closet yesterday, diaper bags, like 15 of them, and baby blankets which were all beloved and familiar, hanging on some sort of drying rack, baby toys everywhere, two animals who must have been pets that were excited to see me and kept running through the house, kahlo was there with me sorting all this out. One of the turkeys was still in the oven and wasn’t eaten or rotten, even though it had to have been like 6 or 7 years since I’d been to this house.

There was a dream that was connected or that was before this house dream, and it had the other Darrin in it, the one from the furniture store that I went out with. There was something about a baby in that dream, too. And I was swinging and I was aware that the swing I was on had never gone so high or been so smooth or taken so little effort to move. It was pretty pleasant, that part of the dream. The other Darrin and I were fighting in the dream, though and that wasn’t pleasant.

Strange.

I just had a really disturbing dream about my mom. my adoptive mom. I woke up feeling really scared.

skittish details: a trailer, mud, walking, her trying to ground me, cornering me, she had one tooth, confronted her about alcoholism and being emotionally dead, tried to hit her, was speaking to her in a very venemous way, we were in a big closet type thing…

anyway… I woke up and couldn’t sleep. started having thoughts about things… my mom and how I just really treated her with such ? distance and dread towards the end, because she just didn’t feel much like my mother. And now how I pity her.

Then I got to thinking about things… with this baby, with past babies. My first. I got to thinking about my oldest brother. and how I’ve never really dealt with what went on with him, and how I never really can because he holds that key to my past and I can’t risk losing it.

other thoughts, but it’s late and I do need to get some sleep, but I just wanted to make a note of thinking these things because it seems important somehow.

I’m going to have to deal with that stuff one day. I should probably get a head start now. or something.

just a thought.