Mamarati

It’s the most important meal of the day.

And I need to get my poop in a group and start eating it regularly. I’m so haphazard with it and really, I need it. I am so grumpy and mean and can’t think straight when I don’t eat breakfast.

Not eating breakfast also leads me often to not eating lunch. And then I eat a gigantic dinner that just sits there and puts weight on me all night. Today I’m having some blueberry yogurt (Cascade Fresh) and some English Muffins. And coffee.

Coffee with stevia. I’m not down with all those artificial sweeteners. Aspartame gives me the most horrific headache. If I suddenly have a migraine, I can bet it’s from some piece of gum or mint someone’s given me. Do you know how hard it is to find gum without this stuff? At any rate, I’m trying to see if I can find a good sweetener for things that has a lower glycemic index. I’m realizing that I use a lot of sugar there. It probably contributes to the crash I have around 1pm and, of course, my general chunkiness.

Stevia tastes a lot like saccharin to me. At least in the powdered form I got. I might try the liquid next and see if that’s any better. If I like it a lot I might just try growing it and drying it for tea. Not sure if it will survive down here, but what the hell? The company that makes the kind I got is local (about 7 miles away) but of course, the actual product is not local… Same with the sugar. Local company, shipped in product. No change there.

And yogurt… yogurt pisses me off. At least all the yogurt at my non-hippie grocery store. It’s all loaded with crap, including HFCS, splenda, beef-derived gelatin (not a bad thing in itself unless you’re trying to go veggie), food coloring, etc. I mean, there’s a lot of stuff in there for what should be a pretty simple food. And when you think yogurt you’re thinking, “Hmm, that sounds healthy.” But Yoplait and all that is a lot of sugary junk. The kind I get at my hippie store has 110 calories, too. Yoplait has like 190.

In other hippie news, I just saw a Citgo commercial and they’re jumping on the “local” bandwagon. Talking about how each store is locally owned and contributes to the local economy and it was all touchy feely. What is it with oil companies and the softer, gentler marketing. It’s like a twist of the knife.

The cat is doing her morning potty duty. She spends more time scratching than any other cat I’ve ever seen. The litter box is in the laundry room, so there’s always stuff stacked up around the box. If you put something new back there next to her box, she will spend an extra long time scratching the new thing. The other morning, there was a stack of boxes that needed to go out to the recycle cart next to her litter box and she scratched so much that one of the boxes fell into the litter box. Then the next time she needed to go, she couldn’t get in the litter box so she peed on the floor.

I’m tempted to get one of those bead curtains and hang it from the ceiling around her litter box like a shower curtain. The noise would be hilarious. Maybe wind chimes? Or strings of bells? I could rig up a Casio keyboard against the wall and leave it on and see what songs she’d come up with…

In other news, I’ve been sick all week. Coughing, sore throat, drainage. Some of it worked its way into my chest. I’ve been lethargic and generally tolerating a low level of misery for days. I haven’t paid much attention to my eating, though haven’t really been hungry, so who knows what my weight will be today when I’m reunited with the Wii Fit. I’ve missed it so.

I’m feeling better, but when I lay down I start coughing and get that trickle tickle in my throat. Still a bit tired.

To compound chest problems, the freakiest thing happened to me starting about Wednesday, I guess. My chest started getting really tight at night and I could hardly breathe. My throat was already feeling tight and sore, and I was coughing up stuff, so I didn’t think too much about it except that my asthma hasn’t acted up in many years. Only one time in the last 4 years (outside of that incident it’s been a good 10 years since I had an attack) and it was when we went to Corpus. Chemicals and humidity, I don’t know, but down there, I had to stop at a CVS and get a Primatene Mist since I don’t carry a rescue inhaler. That’s how infrequently my asthma acts up. I can’t even keep an inhaler around without it expiring and going unused.

So, Wednesday night, can’t breathe. Thursday night, can’t breathe. Friday night, can’t breathe. Saturday night, can’t breathe. Saturday night also brought on an eyelid-sticking-to-eyeball corneal erosion… so instead of taking my contact out Sunday during the day, I left it in to protect my cornea and help it heal. And that was when it suddenly all made sense. Suddenly, I couldn’t breathe, but this time it wasn’t right before going to bed. It was right after I used the new rewetting / lubricating drops (ReNu Multiplus) during the day. It dawned on me that I was having the attacks right after putting my lenses in and adding a drop of the new solution in each eye. Then, a few minutes later I couldn’t breathe and had to use my kid’s inhaler each time. I was sleeping with it next to the bed and adding more drops as I woke up in the night, not even realizing…

I was allergic to something in the drops. I had been using the generic Wal*Mart brand but it sucks and was leaving my eyes really scratchy and not giving me any relief. I thought I’d try the brand that matches the disinfecting solution I use (also ReNu Multiplus) and see if it was any better.

So I looked at the ingredients and the only thing in there that I’ve never had in a drop or anything else is the povidone. I did a little further research and found that some folks are indeed allergic to it and that it’s been responsible for bad rashes and anaphylaxis in some. So, there ya go.

I did some further research to find a new drop, and in the course of that read some things about the MultiPlus disinfecting solution that made me less than happy (corneal staining, etc. and it’s my cornea that I’m trying hardest to preserve here, so I really don’t want to expose it to anything even questionable.) I found another article written by someone who wasn’t liking Renu MultiPlus and had read in several sources about Clear Care being a good option for folks who have lots of allergies or who are having problems with other solutions. I read the reviews on Amazon.com and some drugstore sites and found that while there were some idiots who don’t know how to RTFM, most folks loved it. So, I tossed all my other crap out and went to get some Clear Care.

Clear Care is different than the no-rub stuff. It has a special case that you put your contacts in (it looks like those cheesy plastic things you’d put a trucker hat in to wash it in the washing machine) and it works using hydrogen peroxide, which can seriously hurt your eye if you try to use Clear Care like the other solutions… You can’t just rinse your lens off and pop it back in your eye. There’s a metal doohickey in the case that causes the reaction that bubbles all the crap off your contact lens, and then it neutralizes the solution and leaves it inert after 6 hours.

Kinda groovy. So, I also looked at saline solutions. Since you can’t use Clear Care as a rinse, I needed something for those times when I’ve got a piece of dust, lint or lash stuck on my lens and just need to give it a quick rinse. I was just going to get the generic kind, but then I thought, “Hey, that’s what I did with the rewetting drops and look where it got me.” So, I started checking ingredients and I never knew there was so much stuff in simple saline solution.

I ended up getting the Unisol 4, which had the least amount of stuff and everything in it I recognized as something I’ve already been exposed to with no problem. And it has no preservatives, which seems to be what irritates me the most. I also switched my rewetting drop to Aquify, which also has few ingredients and seems to be the only preservative-free rewetting drop specifically for contacts. (I already use preservative-free BionTears for my actual eyeball, but that doesn’t do much to work with the actual lens, sometimes I wonder if it makes it worse, even.)

Nerd alert: Clear Care is actually kind of fun to watch, and it’s science in action, you know? Bubbly reactive goodness. So there’s that factor, too. I know, I’m a complete nerd. At any rate, this combination is like putting a new contact lens in my eye. It’s almost like I can’t even feel them, which was not the case before. I was acutely aware of their irritating presence every minute. Now, it’s just Comfort City.

After all this, boyfriend is swearing off contacts and is going to get glasses. I don’t blame him. It’s been a pain in the ass. Of course, he doesn’t have all the weird allergy / sensitivity stuff that I have, but it’s still a bigger pain than glasses. If it wasn’t for the cornea issue, I don’t think I’d be willing to deal with all this. It’s kind of annoying.

Now I just have to get in the habit of making sure I take them out and disinfect them for 6 hours every day. I wear them at night, so my schedule isn’t that of your typical contact lens wearer… I was cracking up at some of the reviews that gave the stuff one star and talked about how dangerous the product is and how it shouldn’t even be available for sale. I mean, I feel for the folks who used it incorrectly and ended up burning their eyes… I do. And I especially felt that way before I actually purchased the stuff.

After purchasing the stuff, though, it’s almost funny. I don’t know how they could get another warning label on this bottle without making the bottle have red flashing lights and sirens. There are SO many warnings on the bottle, on the box. There’s a friggin’ bright red cardboard ring around the nozzle telling how it can’t be used like other contact solutions. You can’t miss this stuff, seriously.

And that brings me to the last thing on my mind, I suppose, before I start working: Today is the first day of Fall. Beautiful, crisp, cool, wonderful Fall. My favorite season and the time of year when I am the happiest. All these health problems be damned, I’m going to enjoy this season. It’s always been my favorite, but living in Texas for the last 10 years through these brutal, endless summers, Fall signifies so much more. In a word: relief.

I finally got Wii Fit. Cashed in a bunch of old games. Amazing what those little buggers are worth…

I didn’t know if I was going to like it all that much, but figured it would hold its resale value so why not give it a try? But, wow, I am really loving this thing. If you’re anything like me (you work on the Internet, never leave the house, don’t live in the safest neighborhood for walking, live somewhere where it’s 80 bajillion degrees all the time, hate walking at the mall, can’t afford a gym membership or Yoga / Pilates / Other classes or don’t have those options close to home, have an injury which prevents you from getting the most out of a gym membership anyway, basically lazy, procrastinate, did I mention you’re a complete homebody?) then this will really be your cup of tea.

At first, I was really screwing up on all the games and such, but I’m steadily getting better with about an hour a day of practice. I love the yoga and strength exercises quite a bit, although there are still some that I cannot do because of my arm. I am finding that I can modify them, however, so perhaps this will add to my range of motion over time. The balance games are fun and I think it’s all helping my back. My spine just seems more cooperative and … ? not as compressed maybe? Something is definitely more comfortable in that area. And it’s popping like it used to when I was younger and would twist in a chair or on the couch. That hasn’t happened for years.

I think this is just what I need to work me back into a regular routine and prepare me for some more strenuous exercise.

Something else I found that is nice… Alicia King wrote a few articles about the yoga poses, including other poses that you can incorporate that aren’t included in Wii Fit (like doing Crescent Pose or Reverse Warrior on the Warrior setting). (More: Seven additional poses, More advanced poses, Is Yoga on the Wii good or bad).

Biggs came over the other day and he loved it, too. His mom was wanting something like this so he went and got it this weekend. That brings me to some things that I wish Wii Fit had or that I hope they program into Wii Fit II if there is to be something like that…

A way to run through multiple exercises / yoga poses without using the Wiimote. I find that it’s too clicky, kind of like Windows or a poorly designed Web site. Click, click, click. I’d love the option of picking five exercises and just running through them one after the other and maybe using my body balance to hit a “Yes” or “No” square. (Next exercise? “Yes” or “No”)

On Ski Jump, especially, I want to fast forward to my results and not wait for the crowd applause and whatnot. But all games should give me the option of not watching the beginning / end cinema.

More song choice and more routines on the step games. I really enjoy this and had no idea it would be so fun. I’d love to have a lot more of these routines. I think a whole new game spin-off could be made from this. I guess it’d be sort of like Dance, Dance Revolution, except for the less coordinated. (Like me, my kid, my boyfriend or the very elderly. Haha. We are a houseful of clumsy.)

Well, since I know a lot of moms online who have it and now Biggs has it and I know a lot of my kid’s friends have it, I wish it worked with the Nintendo Wi-Fi Connection. It would be fun to do side-by-side exercises, compete against friends or even strangers in the balance games or even do turn-based exercises and competing. I think if they added a component like this, they’d see the formation of support groups and perhaps they could even have it where groups of friends could meet in a room (kind of like on MarioKart) and they could add some way to send each other notes of support and motivation, cards, gifts, trophies, etc.

Speaking of trophies and such, I wish there was more unlockable stuff or rewards… When boyfriend saw that it had “unlockables” he joked that I would be dripping with sweat and collapsed on the floor when he got home from work the next day. Except it’s no joke. I get completely obsessed with unlocking and earning things in video games. I like to collect stuff. Not in real life, only in video games… you ought to see how crazy I get with stuff like Animal Crossing. I have to have EVERYTHING. Other people like Super Paper Mario, but I have to get every combination of items so that I can cook every recipe and I have to have every single badge, even the worthless ones I will never use. On Smash Brothers and Brawl, I have to have every single event completed, sticker and trophy collected.

My kid drives me crazy how he can run through levels completely ignoring all the hidden goodies. He just hauls ass to the finish or uses continuous brute force to beat the boss. I’m like, OK, if I have all these items and I’m wearing these badges and I do this move at just this right time… then I will end with exactly this many coins and I will obtain these items and level up here. It’s total micromanagement, but it’s fun and somehow very soothing to me.

So I would like to see more of this in Wii Fit… maybe more rankings or challenges. I like when it tells me, for example, that I can combine a strength exercise and a yoga pose and when I’ve done both it will say I’ve completed that workout. I would like feedback on that. Give me a little trophy or something and chart that information. Tell me how many times I’ve paired those particular exercises.

Or send gifts from Nintendo, like the winter hat and such… you could sign on to Wi-Fi on Animal Crossing and then you’d get a letter with a gift hat from Nintendo. That’s just fun. So, how about send me a little something now and again. Or reward me for signing on 100 consecutive days or whatnot. I don’t know why that stuff works for me, but it does, and I know I’m not alone. I know some people get confused about that stuff or find too much tracking to be a distracting pain in the ass, but I like it. They could make the most obvious tracking and charts up front and then hide another settings area for the more anal, like myself. A super-neurotic setting, if you will.

A Stage Builder for step might be fun… Kind of like building a level on Elebits or the Stage Builder on Brawl, it would be fun to drag and drop the different elements (side steps, kicks, etc.) to make your own routine… and be able to choose from different songs (kind of like on Brawl, old school Nintendo songs would be fun to do the routines to, no?)

There was something else I was going on about the other night, but now I can’t remember. I’m sure it will come to me, though.

Oh, I remember… the Lotus Focus level… I would love to see that or some other mediation level be unlockable to have an unlimited amount of time or see something like the iTunes visualizer with some soothing meditation sounds or just quiet. I know I can do this on my own (duh) but I would like it to show me how much I move around, shift my balance, get antsy, etc. and I would like it to chart my progress for me.

In other news, another program I’m liking a lot is My Word Coach. I’ll have to write about that one later…

I want my arm to be normal again.

I am experiencing some psychological stress, sadness, anxiety, anger, pity and despair about this.

I feel mostly normal as I go about my day and have for a while now. But then I realize that my days are different now than they used to be when I had a normal arm that did what it was supposed to do. I don’t do the things that I know I can’t do. I avoid those types of activity. Swimming. Balancing things. Using my arm in any kind of way that requires full range, strength of any sort, symmetry.

I exercised yesterday and it felt really good, but what I was doing did not require much of that side of me. Today, however, I realized just how limited I’m going to be and it kind of pisses me off. I’m mad at my arm. I’m mad at my stupidity for getting up on that ladder and I realize that I still have a lot of regret about it. And I’m sad.

Remember when I made that formal declaration about losing weight? You know, in the last entry and all. And I said, ummm… IT’S ON!

Yeah, well… see… what ha-happened was I had these things called good intentions.

I’ve since learned that the path to hell is paved with these friggin’ things.

I have been struggling with things. It stems from this relationship that I have with food. It stems from all that childhood stuff. You know, not having food when I was with my mother. Literally starving most of the time. And then having all that weird stuff at my dad’s… his literal fear of eggs and anything that comes out of them. Getting my chocolate rationed out to me at the children’s home. (”Here’s your 5 M&Ms. Come back tomorrow for another 5.”)

It’s just really hard to restrict myself. I think that’s why Atkins worked for me. I was like, “What? Eat all the meat I want? And still lose weight? Hell, Yeah!”

It occurs to me that it should be the opposite. I should be able to look back on the times when I was starving and KNOW that that is not what’s happening right now. I should not panic like an animal trapped in a cage when I start to calculate calories.

But I kind of do. It’s weird and hard to explain. It’s just one more of those times when I am cognizant of how I’m supposed to feel, and I’m completely aware of the reality of the situation… but my actual feelings seem to be governed by something else… something very deep that I can’t reach to change.

I told boyfriend the other night after struggling with it all day that it’s going to take some serious therapy for me to get to a point where I can really mess with the food part of losing weight.

So, I need to tackle this from another angle, which is the physical part. I mean, the truth is, even when I decided I was going to eat the damn cookies this week, I still came in under the 1550 calories that will get me to lose weight. It’s just that I can go a long time without eating a cookie when I’m not on a diet. I don’t even think about it. I eat pretty good, really. I eat fruits. I eat veggies. I cook almost everything from scratch — including bread, and I use whole wheat flour. I eat brown rice. I’m not that bad unless I know I HAVE to be good.

So yes, I have to attack this from the physical side of things. Except then there’s that whole injury thing… I have to figure this out. I think I’m on the verge of buying a treadmill, because at least I know that is something I’ve always enjoyed and that isn’t limited in any way by my arm being jacked up.

All in all, I expect to weight tomorrow and maybe have lost and maybe have stayed the same. I am betting on about half a pound. Which is still fine if I get my strategy worked out and then stay with it. I set the goal of 1 pound per week knowing that I didn’t want to try and do anything crazy, too hard, unrealistic or anything that would make me give up too easily… so half a pound would not be a disappointment at all. Even no loss at all (this week) would not be a disappointment because I feel like I’m getting the most important thing taken care of at the outset — my mental fitness.