Mamarati

I just had a really disturbing dream about my mom. my adoptive mom. I woke up feeling really scared.

skittish details: a trailer, mud, walking, her trying to ground me, cornering me, she had one tooth, confronted her about alcoholism and being emotionally dead, tried to hit her, was speaking to her in a very venemous way, we were in a big closet type thing…

anyway… I woke up and couldn’t sleep. started having thoughts about things… my mom and how I just really treated her with such ? distance and dread towards the end, because she just didn’t feel much like my mother. And now how I pity her.

Then I got to thinking about things… with this baby, with past babies. My first. I got to thinking about my oldest brother. and how I’ve never really dealt with what went on with him, and how I never really can because he holds that key to my past and I can’t risk losing it.

other thoughts, but it’s late and I do need to get some sleep, but I just wanted to make a note of thinking these things because it seems important somehow.

I’m going to have to deal with that stuff one day. I should probably get a head start now. or something.

just a thought.

“are you happy now?”

me making someone something or assigning an unrealistic place for a person.

not knowing my age as a self defense mechanism.

the death thought I had the other day when I thought I heard a noise in the house.

bad people, bad situations and how they make me feel better about myself.

(aka: taking the shit other people dish at me)

the intervention, and what would those same people say now?

talking to my birthmom…

meant to be alone, her realization, mine.

going down a path and realizing it’s wrong and having to go all the way back to where you were when you reached this path…

and about definitely not letting something change you even though you feel it already has.

and about becoming someone else, part of someone else, losing parts of yourself in that.

other stuff I’m sure I’ve said before…

what I used to do with my time…

and mental note to self: bleeding much like pigs do when stuck.