Mamarati

I feel like today is the first day of something for me. First day at work. First day at school. First day of something. I finally feel relaxed. My kid started middle school and so far, he hasn’t had sex, joined a gang, failed the metal detector, smoked pot, skipped class, worn his pants so low that his underwear show, flipped off a teacher or otherwise taken part in any offenses that would land him in the office or hot water, been made fun of, shoved into a locker or been the victim of a swirly.

Not that I thought any of those things would happen, but those are my worst, most paranoid fears for 7th grade (or any grade, really. Haha). How do I arrive at all this craziness? Well, if I buy into the bit about kids doing stuff at a younger age than we were back in the day… The rebel years should start any minute.

I’m lucky, perhaps. My kid is a really great kid and we’re pretty open about discussing all this stuff. I didn’t have a lot of sound, solid adults to bounce my concerns off of when I was a kid, so I’ve always wanted to make sure that my own kid wasn’t flailing around in a sea of misunderstanding and confusion. At least not any more than already goes along with being a teen…

7th grade. I can’t believe it. It’s like he’s maturing every single day, too. I see so much difference in him even from just a month ago, and certainly much more than during his last weeks of being in 6th grade, which is still elementary school around here. I look at the kids at pick-up time, though, and I realize that he’s not nearly as mature as many of them. I’ve sheltered him a bit. I’ve kept his exposure to some things minimal. I question doing that some days. Other days not so much.

So far, though, I couldn’t be more pleased. He’s happy about his teachers. He’s interested in his classes. He’s bonded with one of his teachers and wants to stay after school talking to him. He’s so observant and talks to me every day about the things he sees and his take is so interesting. I am thankful for the time we have in the car, where some of our best conversations take place on the drive home after school. He really opens up. He’s not seeming anxious or nervous about anything and said to me yesterday, “I think I’m really gonna like this middle school thing.”

Phew.

So, now that he’s settled… I feel like I’m settled and I can get back to business.

Back to writing and working and being productive. Back to having moments to think. I feel relaxed today. This despite two cups of high-test coffee. It’s a little bit exciting at the same time. I feel like I need to go to Office Depot, though, and get some new school supplies. Nothing says “time to get busy” like a new pen.

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In other news… politics have been incredible lately. I don’t talk about politics too much because of the “work” site. I have my own personal beliefs, of course. Some are strong. Some are pretty liberal. Others are incredibly conservative. I took some quiz one time that identified me as both liberal and libertarian. I have my issues where I’m not going to be swayed and others that I have not fleshed out enough to say where I stand.

I think that a lot of folks are like that, no matter what you may be seeing on TV or reading on blogs or wherever. I think that this race for president is bringing out a lot of issues that people are arguing about, sure, but I also think that a lot of the “conflict” is going on within ourselves. I can only truly speak for myself, but I’m tellin’ ya — I’m thinking about issues and figuring things out for myself that haven’t ever come up before.

And the truth is, while I don’t usually talk about politics online because I work here and I don’t necessarily want my personal politics to be used for or against me in any way… and I want to be as unbiased as a person can be who is offering what mostly consists of advice rather than pure journalism… I have a lot to say about politics. I’ve been involved in this process. I’ve had relatives run for office and I have been to rallies, watch parties and the like. I’ve campaigned for candidates. I’ve dragged my sick, flu-ridden self to the polls to vote. I ran a friggin’ caucus here in Texas and boy was that a rush. I’m excited by the Democratic process. I like thinking about all this. I think that things are in a state of change right now and it’s really interesting to me to consider things I haven’t before. To be confronted by issues that I’ve never had the opportunity to consider and weigh.

Sometimes I hear my son say something and I think that he’s getting it from me. Sometimes it sounds extreme coming out of his mouth and that reflects on me. It gives me a chance to think about the context of how he heard me discuss that issue and how it came across to him. It gives me a chance to play Devil’s advocate and give him the other side of it. It gives me a chance to say I may not be right about everything and even that there may not be a perfect right or wrong way to think or feel about an issue.

More on this… because I am going to write about it. And this is my space, so I’m going to use it because I’m tired of remaining silent on these issues that are so important to me just because it’s such a charged arena. It’s so much more complex than that, and I have so much to say that some days I’m about to burst. And, too, I have so much more to work out for myself, and this has always been the place where I’ve done that. Do you remember what you told yourself, woman? That all this self-censorship was like cutting out and discarding a part of your brain? Yeah, I’m tired of that.

Took Jacob to the Lab and doc yesterday. Nine vials of blood they took from his little body. And then one pneumococcal vaccine. It was just lovely. He was totally freaking out, but then was mostly calm during the actual process. He just has to watch, though, which I think makes it worse. He says it hurts worse when he’s not looking, though.

At one point, I was standing up while he sat in the chair… I had my arms around him and my head was sort of resting on his head. They were on about vial 3 and all of a sudden, I was wet. Why was I wet? I backed away from him and he had broken out in a sweat suddenly. He had beads of sweat all over his face and his hair was dripping. His shirt was soaked. I’ve never seen anything like it. He doesn’t sweat that much when he’s running around in the yard. His face got so pale and I thought he was going to pass out, but he held on till the end.

He laid down in a room and we talked about Big Brother for a bit until he felt well enough to go upstairs for the shot. We stopped at Starbucks and got some chamomile tea on the way through (this was all in the hospital area) and then headed to GameStop when it was all over. All was forgotten after that. Amazing how video games can wipe away all that trauma. Haha.

We traded in a bunch of old games and ended up getting like $130 bucks. He got some war games and I got Mario Party 8 for the Wii and Yoshi’s Story for the DS. Not that I need anything to distract me from work, but it is one of those things that winds me down after a long day…

So… now is the part of this whole thing where I do not worry about anything and I just calmly wait for his test results to come back. I’m sure that I will have enough to occupy my mind. He’s over at his dad’s now getting ready for school. He’s been over here nonstop, nights and days with no break since like February or March because of the MRSA risk at their house. It seems like that’s all cleared up now, so he can spend the nights over there, take baths, enjoy life… all that normal stuff that he’s been missing.

That I’ve been missing. Much as I love him (isn’t that every mother’s disclaimer when she’s about to say something she feels somewhat weird saying, guilty even?) I need a break sometimes. I know I’m not alone, either. I saw you out there, ladies. Shopping for school supplies and clothes. I saw that certain spring in your step and exchanged those secret, knowing smiles as we shopped together. School is starting again… and not all of us are sad about it.

I remember what it was like when he was starting kindergarten. First grade. So on. I was excited for him and all the things he was going to do, learn. I was also a sad and worried for him. I passed other mothers during drop-off, tears in my eyes.

Now he’s almost 13 years old. I am still excited for him and all the things he’s going to experience and learn. I am still sad and worried for him as well. But instead of dropping him off with a tear in my eye, I’m doing a little happy dance that I can go home and get some work done and have some peace and quiet for a while. Do a single task without interruption. Finish a thought. Take a long bath. Think.

And then there’s this cystic fibrosis thing freaking me out and it makes me feel even guiltier about those feelings. It makes me want to take him out of school completely and spend every minute with him as if it’s his last.

And then I have to snap out of it.

And wait. Because things are probably fine.

I’m so glad that I can have this struggle on the inside, though. It’s necessary, I know it is. But it’s not necessary that anyone else see it…

Well, we just got back from the pulmonologist and they found something in his nasal culture that shouldn’t be there and now we have to have him tested for cystic fibrosis.

Are you kidding me? Can my kid not get a break already? Can I not get a break already? The last year or so has really been unbelievable with the health issues. We are both very tired of all this and just would like a nice holiday vacation with no health issues, please.

I’m not freaking out, however. Just a tiny bit on the inside, but mostly I’m just going to do a wait and see thing right now. J’s at the age where I have to be all… you know… strong and act like this is just business as usual.

After the tests, that’s another story. I will wait until he goes over to his dad’s and then have my own private little freak out. Now I need to go read more about this, because really, I don’t have a clue about cystic fibrosis. They’re doing a sweat test and genetic workup w/ blood. And all I know right now is that the disease makes your mucous thick and it affects your lungs, pancreas and intestines. Which is weird, because he was out of school for a week right before last year got out. His stomach was hurting really bad and we had to do stool samples. But the tests came back negative for whatever they suspected was wrong. Now I’m wondering if that had anything to do with this. ??

More later. Research time.

So, I did something recently that I’m feeling rather strange about. I quit school, basically.

I’m this close to the end and I threw up my hands and said, “I can’t do this any more.”

There are a number of reasons why I did it. It’s actually been something I’ve been thinking about doing since I fell off the roof. I mean, what better time to take care of myself than then? But instead, I did not do that. I took it a little bit slower, but basically kept plowing through. And then all these things started happening with Jacob and the surgeries and the changes in his diet and on and on happened… things I did not forsee. And so, for the last year or so, I think I have been slowly losing my mind.

I mean, there have been actual moments where I have questioned my sanity. Where I felt like I was close to a nervous breakdown or something. I just felt pulled so tight all the time and the only logical next step was to snap. And all the while I was doing that thing… that superwoman thing where you tell yourself that you’ve got your shit together and you can do anything you put your mind to and all that other bullshit that really just means you can be all things to all people but you won’t be worth a damn to yourself.

So, no. I cannot be all things to all people. I cannot handle all this stuff on my plate. I cannot do it all. For now, I have got to focus on my family, my work, my relationships and myself. I wrote to my adviser and let her know I was losing my mind dealing with everything and talked a bit about the stuff going on with Jacob (more on that later, it’s all getting weird with doctors and such) and she was cool and agreed that I need to focus on family stuff. School will be there whenever I’m ready to go back.

The other thing is work. I feel like… Due to the flexible nature of my job, I feel like there have been times when I have given it my all and really thrown myself into it. And I enjoy those times more than anything. But then when things come up like they have lately, I feel like my work suffers greatly. It’s the thing that can bend the most, so I let it absorb the shock of any trauma or stress in my life. I’m lucky to have such a job. But I really miss working. School was not allowing me much room for that. And it’s like, for years I’ve been trying to finish school and something always happens that cuts into it. But still, I keep chasing down this thing that I want to be. This future occupation or career or whatever. And suddenly, I’m like, “Why?” Why do I keep chasing down something else when what I really love to do is what I’m already doing? If I’d just DO IT already. Like, if I would just go on and really give myself to it…

I had the fortune to go to an event recently that was for other folks who do the same thing I do… actually two events. One was specifically for folks that work at About.com and the other was for mommy bloggers. And I talked to other folks who felt the same way I did. Folks who may also have other jobs and maybe right now they are asking themselves if they are ready to take the plunge and do it full time. Leave the day job behind and just do THIS. I talked to some people who had already taken the plunge and they talked about how scary it was to finally realize that they were writers and that they didn’t have paychecks that were written in stone but that if they dedicated themselves to it, they would make it just fine and maybe even be more than just fine. I talked to moms who were contemplating never going back to corporate America in favor of staying home with their kids and blogging their lives and interests. There are sacrifices to be made, for sure… trade-offs. But I think they might be worth it.

And I’m feeling so many things right now… Anxiety. Fear. Excitement.

But mostly I’m feeling this amazing sense of relief. Like this huge burden has been lifted and the pressure is gone. I feel refreshed. I’m sleeping better. I’m thinking more clearly. I don’t feel like I’m running around in a fog. I don’t feel like a time bomb about to go off. I feel like I can finally relax for a moment and maybe even enjoy a few parts of my life. Even though there are still stressful things going on and there’s still that element of chaos, I feel like I can handle it now.

There is not single clean spoon in the house. So, I am eating Honey Nut Os with the tablespoon measuring spoon. Lovely. Jacob did the dishes yesterday but there were two loads, so no room for the overflowing silverware basket. It sits on my counter now, because I am resisting the urge to do all the things that my kid is completely capable of doing. This is all in an effort to make him more responsible and me less tired and pissy that I do everything and he does jack and squat.

At any rate, I did too much research and then checked my work mail and then forgot I hadn’t eaten today and then…

So I’m going to have to go to the library on Monday because we’ve got to go do allergy shots after school. There just are not enough hours in the day. Especially when you are behind.

Also, today is report card day, so the weekend could be dramatically changed based on the misery level of the boy if he gets grounded for poor grades. I’ve got my fingers crossed. He’s been working so hard to keep up and get all his make-up work done… he’s been working hard on his writing… Please, Lord, don’t make me have to ground him.

lots of stuff going on as usual. I can barely find the time to think. I’m so friggin’ tired. Basically, though:

• flus and colds at both houses
• MRSA at the ex’s house so J was with me without a break for weeks
• hurt my thumb and couldn’t type for a few days
• stomach ailment requiring multiple poo samples from J
• five or six days ? out of school in the last few weeks for J
• stray orange cat gave birth to three kittens either premature or just way too small and two didn’t make it
• the one that made it cries all night and has a hard time finding a nipple and she doesn’t want to take care of it

I am exhausted and behind in school, behind with where I want to be workwise, haven’t been in the mood for any good lovin’ and I’m just generally worn out and grumpy. Having the kittens and worrying about them making it has been stressful. One of them could just not find the nipple at all and had such a weak suck. I think it must have gotten a chill since the mom cat kept leaving them at first. I was worried that she had another one in there.

She literally gave birth to one on the couch sitting between me and my boyfriend and if I hadn’t looked down and seen it I wouldn’t have even known. That was Thursday night. She didn’t have the other two until Sunday!! The whole time inbetween she was acting crazy and was glued to my side, meowing over and over and over. I felt so bad for her although she didn’t seem to be in pain. She was just doing that “talking” meow or that meow they do when you’re getting canned food ready. I’d say something to her and she’d just meow back again and keep meowing at me.

There are not enough hours in the day for all this stuff sometimes.

I will write more later (famous last words) but right now I’ve got to get the rest of my reading done and post some stuff for a group project. My saving grace is that J’s stepmom isn’t working in an office this week and she’s offered to pick him up every day from school this week, so I’m going to blow it out and get caught up. Yay! I’d feel bad about not seeing him except he’s been over here so much with the MRSA stuff being over there, so I know he misses being over there and misses his sister, especially. No guilt. That’s my new mantra. Or credo. Or mission statement. Whatever.

No guilt. I’m tired of guilt for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Nothing I do is that friggin’ bad.

Unfortunately, I’m going to look back at my child’s education and I’m going to be so very disappointed in the way some teachers handle things. Jacob even more so.

I will write more about this later. I guess it’s just a mental note to myself.

Well, it’s always interesting around here, if nothing else.

Jacob is sick. Not only is his nose running like crazy, but he has some gastro stuff going on that is not too pleasant.

And did I mention that he broke his glasses and we’re still waiting on the frames? Meaning he can’t see very well at all except for about a foot in front of his face. Poor guy.

On top of that, over at his dad’s house, both Jacob’s dad and stepmom have MRSA.

YES. That MRSA. The superbug. He’s staying with me for the next two weeks while they undergo a cleansing regimen which will hopefully work. If not, they get to pony up $1000 a piece for the antibiotics that (of course) insurance won’t cover.

What the hell?

I’m so tired, but I can’t imagine how they must be feeling. Everyone over there except Jacob got the flu (including their 2-year-old) and then the little one also had the gastro thing for over a week.

More later, I’ve got to get some sleep so I can get up and do my school stuff. I’m a couple days late finishing up some things and I have to get caught up. Especially if I end up getting sick. Wouldn’t that just be my luck?! It’s always something in this house.

I have a lot of reading this semester. I’m only going to be able to see about an inch in front of my face when this is all over. I have to remember to look away. Focus. All those eye exercises you’re supposed to do when you’re on the computer and read too much.

I don’t have much time to make a long post, but let me get some random thoughts out of my head…

There’s been a flu outbreak over at J’s Dad’s house. This is on top of the MRSA that his dad has. I’m not kidding. MRSA.

So, J has been over here hopefully waiting it out. He was sick last week, but it was mainly just sniffles and snot and a headache. He’s about 99 percent better now, so I’m hoping that he will avoid this flu. We’ve had enough illness. Of course, as soon as it’s done over there, J will pick it up at school and then it will go around here. That would be about the Murphy’s Law way, no?

I’m still cold. We figured out the science behind relative humidity and the fact that there is no humidity in this house, relative or otherwise. Now we just have to settle on a humidifier, which we haven’t done. I almost burned up a pot boiling water and of course that’s a huge electricity waster. But that was experimental anyway. We just wanted to see if it would actually make me feel any warmer without changing the thermostat and it did. Bonus: No nosebleeds in a week and my eyeballs don’t feel like crunchy little cheese puff balls. Bad news: Until we purchase a humidifier, I continue to feel frozen and miserable.

I think the stray orange cat that has been hanging around is pregnant. She seemed to be entertaining some noisy suitors in the last couple of weeks and now she’s puking every day and is in love mode 24 / 7. I wish I’d taken her to the SPCA or something, but I kept holding out hope that the neighbors who may or may not be her owners would step up to the plate. I don’t know why I thought this, though, because they don’t even have electricity or running water half the time. Why do I think they can take care of a cat? I just really try to have faith in people when given the chance.

Plus, around here, it’s like cat central. And I never know who owns any cat. Except Hopper because he actually wears his tags and I’ve met his people. But the other cats in the neighborhood roam free and tagless and I never see them emerging from any home or hanging out at any particular place regularly. Truth be told, they all hang out here. So, it’s hard to just say, OK, you’re going to the SPCA so you can go to a good home instead of roaming around here catch as catch can. But like, the grey guy that was hanging around all last year… I thought he was a stray maybe and there were several times I thought about taking him in. Come to find out, he belongs like 10 houses down and around a corner along with 2 other grey cats just like him. I’m glad I didn’t take him.

I have taken a few though, and they’ve all originated from that one cursed house. Just like I believe this orange one did.

More later, I need to go get the boy and mail some of my Amazon stuff off.

Mental note to self, talk about Jacob taking the personality test. Nuts. Completely nuts.

Sometimes I look at my blog drafts and I just laugh my ass off.

I have no idea what I am thinking some days when a topic catches my eye.

Anyway… did I mention that I’m feeling more normal these days? I mean, with my arm and whatnot. I guess I’m going to be all right. I say this and yet I’m not sure I fully believe it. I still recoil at the slightest touch to my arm and am as protective of it as ever. I do realize that it could blow out at some point, but I guess I’m feeling more and more like nothing I do is going to make that happen. I know what it is capable of now. I’m aware of its limits. I think I’m still afraid what someone else might accidentally do to it, however.

The scar is fading a bit, which is nice, I guess. I don’t really care, I suppose. Once in a while I get a reaction out of someone who sees it, not expecting it.

You look at giant scars quite differently after you get one of your own.

I’m busy as ever with school about to start, parenting, work, etc. I started another blog (food related) because I need that like I need another whole in my head. In some way, though, it’s what is consuming my life right now. Food. So I figured I better harness that energy and maybe use it to propel me back into the habit of doing a better job on my other blogs. I fell out of the habit of daily blogging here and at work after the fall and now that I’m feeling better I haven’t had the discipline to get the habit established again. I know part of that has to do with Jacob and everything that’s been going on with him in the last year… but now that he’s starting to see some relief from the surgeries and the allergy shots and the diet… I feel like I can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. Plus it’s made such a difference in his behavior and his ability to focus at school (meaning no more hours and hours of prodding him to do his homework every single night) so I am finding I have more time to work on “me” things.

It feels kind of awesome, really… if I could just get a groove going again.

–

In other news, I think the orange stray that comes around our house is in heat. She’s running around making all this racket and it has the grey stray (which by the way, I found out isn’t a stray, he actually has a home) and other cats hanging around the house and fighting. Last night at about 2am they started up in the driveway next door and that woke SO up. He was yelling out the window and threw a pitcher of water their way but they still went on and on. We ended up moving Jacob’s air purifier in here so the noise would drown them out.

They were at it again this morning.

I’ve got to catch her and get her to the SPCA.

They probably think I’m nuts, bringing them cats all the time. It makes me feel so bad, but at least they’re going to homes where they will get taken care of instead of depending on the random kindness of the neighborhood. That may or may not be there depending on the day… I told SO that this time he’s going to have to handle it.

Just got home yesterday. What a trip it was. Will have to write more about it later…

J is still doing great after his surgery, as if nothing ever happened and he’s breathing great and feeling outstanding. Yay.

I finished my classes, though grades haven’t been posted yet. Am waiting… But they’re done and next semester doesn’t start till January 14th so I have a bit of a breather here to catch up on work and get the house and my desk organized. It needs it, after the accident I just let everything go to hell in a handbasket, basically. So my desk is just out of control.

I am cleaning out my email as well. What a joy that is, to see emails I haven’t answered or dealt with in months. Whatever. It was a hard year, so everyone can kiss my ass.

Meanwhile, for the first time in a long time, I feel almost normal. Sane. Relaxed. On track. All those things that had been stripped from me for a while.

I feel like myself again. I don’t feel like I’m being driven by strange outside forces that are foreign to me. I feel like I’m behind the wheel again.

I’ll end with some humor from cleaning my email out. One I received recently from my boyfriend while he was at work:

Subject: ultra nerd

Oh yeah. Sweet relief.”

Jacob’s surgery went well this morning. He’s home now and laying around in his “recovery den.”

Would say more, but I’m exhausted and have one more paper to finish up while he’s resting.

To show how little I think sometimes… I mixed cream of tartar with sugar to make powdered sugar. In my blender. I was going to use tapioca starch, but I couldn’t find it. I know I did buy some, however.

At any rate, the frosting came out tasting rather… tart. Is that why it’s Tart-ar?

I have no idea, but you’d think there was some sort of lingual connection there, no?

It’s not a bad tart, I don’t think… but it’s definitely there. Almost a lemony taste.

The sugar did not become near as powdered as I wanted. This is because my blender sucks. I want a BlendTec, dammit.

I’ve figured that there are a few pieces of equipment that will be important to Jacob when he is out on his own or if/when he goes off to college. He’ll never be able to have a meal plan, you know?

So, he’s going to need a blender to make nut, rice and soy milk. Powdered sugar possibly… Nut butters. But the milk stuff is really the big one. I’m using the blender almost every day now.

A food dehydrator. Because he loves fruit. And fruit is expensive. It’s not subsidized like corn, after all. And he loves dried fruit, but they always add stuff to it that doesn’t match our days. Oils. Sugars. Whatnot. We could make our own and buy it when it’s in season, local, cheap… and then if I need to add any oils or sweeteners, I can do that according to the rotation. It’s also easier to send dried fruit to school with him. I can’t send apples because they brown and get gross, the outsides are waxed with corn crap or they’re washed in citric acid from corn. But I can send some dried apples. So on and so forth. The only reliable dried fruit that we find around here is pineapple.

A juicer maybe. I’m entertaining the idea of this… Juices are expensive. Especially the ones that we get that are a bit “off” for the mainstream. Mango and whatnot. I’m thinking it might be easier to do this with juices or smoothies I make at home. Then I can get some greens in them as well and make it even better. And there’s the transport issue again. School lunches are just a bitch sometimes.

Food saver system. I will probably just pass mine on to him if the damn thing is still working. It has been a blessing in so many ways. Mason jars are great for holding flours and such and I can stretch them even further with the vacuum sealer. More on that later. I use that thing so much it’s on my counter now. I used to only use it when I’d buy the occasional giant pack of meat.

Have to run. Need to shower before frosting this cake and heading to the party.

Some of you have been reading me since Jacob was just a wee tot… Can you believe that he’s going to be 12 years old????? Tux, when I started reading you, you were just 4 or 5 years older than he is now, right? Such a crazy world. It kind of freaks me out how time is passing so quickly.

(sigh)

In other news, I am missing the hell out of my boyfriend. He has been out of town for like… ever. I have played a lot of Animal Crossing. I have like 800,000 bells in the bank if that tells ya anything.

Boyfriend, I wish you didn’t have to be away from me right now. I miss you. I hope you have an Internet connection long enough to read this. MMMmmmmmmwaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!1

It seems like I just wrote that title, or thought it or something. Maybe it was just me saying to myself, “You are about to implode.”

I am going to my bathtub now where there is peace. Do you know what peace is? Do you really know or do you just pretend to know?

At any rate, I know. I really know. Deep down inside. It’s there.

And when I’m done letting it surface again, I’m going to come back and write about the walk that Jacob and I took today.