Mamarati

So, I just got back from out of town… road trip with the family. Good times. Until… Suddenly my eye starts hurting.

Really hurting.

I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t open my eyes because it hurt. I couldn’t close my eyes because it hurt. No matter what I did, it hurt.

We started the long drive home (about 12 hours in the car) and I literally sat with my finger pressed into my eyelid (the only semi-comfortable position my eye could be) the entire time. It is
really difficult to try and keep your eye closed when it wants to be open and looking at things. Road trips are for seeing, no?

We got back home and the pain was getting worse, so we headed to Harris ER (savers of my arm, and quite possibly my life last time) where they gave me some numbing drops (boyfriend said they must have been loaded with mood enhancers as well, since my outlook on life changed
immediately upon application) and looked at my eyes with dye under a black light and said I have a corneal abrasion. Apparently your cornea is just loaded up with nerve endings, so it’s a bit of a painful thing.

They gave me a prescription for hydrocodone (my favorite oh darn!) and some antibiotic drops and sent me home feeling much better. I slept like a baby after nearly 48 hours of no sleep at all. I got up this morning at about 11:30 and went to open the front door to see if White Thing was out there wanting some crunchies and was blinded by the light. (Though not cut loose like a deuce or wrapped up like a douche or anything like that.) It was like instant migraine pain engulfing my entire head. The light was hurting me on the way home but not nearly this bad. Of course my eyes were closed and covered by fingers and sunglasses the whole time… but wow, this was seriously painful. It’s getting worse, too, which I don’t get, since the other pain is getting better (or is just masked by the hydrocodone?). I am sitting here writing this wearing sunglasses in my damn house because even at its lowest brightness setting, my screen is killing my eyes. I was in the back room doing laundry in my sunglasses.

I feel like Corey Hart or something.

I have an appointment with an ophthalmologist on Wednesday… I’m going to talk to him about this and also the dry eye thing… because this pain is not something that’s new. Only the severity of it this
time is what’s new. I’ve been waking up with my eyelid stuck to my eyeball off and on for about six weeks now. Generally it hurts just like this episode, but goes away within about an hour or so. It’s been
happening so frequently lately, though, that I’ve trained myself not to open my eyes too quickly when I wake up so that I don’t rip it. It seems to be OK if I take my time and allow some tears to build up with
pretend blinking before I open them completely. So, I don’t know if it’s possible that I have the chronic dry eye thing going on or if maybe I injured my eye six weeks ago and it’s just never healed
well… We were around a lot of smoke, sun and wind as well as recent painting and scraping of the house, so maybe that added to the injury? I guess I’m just trying to figure out which came first, the chicken or the egg here.

Here’s the scary eye:

Oh, and mental note to self: started period today. Joy.

going down a path and realizing it’s wrong and having to go all the way back to where you were when you reached this path…

and about definitely not letting something change you even though you feel it already has.

and about becoming someone else, part of someone else, losing parts of yourself in that.

other stuff I’m sure I’ve said before…

what I used to do with my time…

and mental note to self: bleeding much like pigs do when stuck.

Well, start of a day really, since it’s past midnight. And yes, that means one more night that I didn’t make it to bed before midnight. arg.

Had so much clarity today after my “meditation.” I mean, literally I went through the whole day with a very clear mind. In spite of being sicker than a dog, I felt quite well.

I also started my period tonight. Lovely. Oh well, yay for femininity.

Amazingly, I have very little on my mind right now. Well, I do have some things on my mind, but am not sure how to approach them in this space just yet, that will take some figuring out…

I spend an inordinate amount of time plucking my eyebrows.

Still sick, I should go to bed…

wow. woke up this morning, and totally out of the blue- just started crying. Think it’s because I’m about to start my period. Cannot imagine what else it would be, because I wasn’t even thinking of anything. Well, maybe I was thinking of something, but it was probably just like… should I eat this morning or wait till tonight… nothing of any consequence… my mind is never totally empty though, and I hate that. Keeps me from sleeping a lot. Yogi Sam is back, and when I read him, it makes me feel so good — and makes me want to look more into meditation. Many people have told me that I should try it… but I’ve always been reluctant just because I so totally cannot imagine what it could be like to sit and not have a single thought going on. How could that be?

I’m bored right now. I’m tired, too. I spent a good portion of yesterday expending way too much emotional energy on a work issue. There is this girl at work who is the most one dimensional thinker I have ever seen in my life. And she’s been thrown into this position of making decisions about things that don’t really affect my area, but sort of affect similar areas throughout the company. And she has no experience, and she’s not inclined to think the way she should when making these decisions, and she acts like she has so damn much to do, so she makes decisions in haste. And did I mention she’s just a big fucking idiot? Also that she’s terribly abrasive? She gets on my nerves so bad… and the thing is, I don’t have to care about those decisions. I can look at them and decide for my area whether I want to take it or leave it. I almost always leave it because they are poor decisions that would never work. And it’s almost funny to watch them fail when they apply them in other places. However, lately, I’ve become increasingly annoyed with these things, and the way that everyone kind of sits around and they all become her little yes girls. It’s like, they don’t care. I still care, and that pisses me off. But you know what, I spent so much time on this one issue yesterday… total waste. I mean, I got my word in, and I got my goals accomplished, my…..

Newsflash- I think I’m going to be interviewed for a USA Today story. How friggin’ cool! Okay, well, maybe work ain’t so bad after all…

So where was I… Anyway, some days I think I should just hang out doing my little thing and not worry so much about all this stupid petty stuff, and if they want to ruin things, I should just let them fuck up on their own. My boss told me this last night, that every time they screw up, I go in and illustrate why they’re fucking up and they change things accordingly and are big heroes. She advised me to just let them screw up from now on. And I think I shall…

In other news- have taken a two day break from the new venture. I was “creating” myself to death. Tonight though, have a bunch of new shit to do… if all goes well.

I smell pizza.

Kids have friends over. They eat all the food in the house. Is this normal? Is this how it’s supposed to be? That I buy food for the whole neighborhood? Oh well, at least all his friends think I’m the cool sexy “mom” and all. Kinda funny and sick.

Gonna go take a nap, I’m wiped.