Mamarati

some days not.

Today- not.

I woke up very early this morning, and usually when I do that I end up getting some stuff around the house done.

This morning, however, I just feel in a funk.

Maybe it’s because I know I have things that I need to do… I need to turn in my move-out notice over here. I need to call and get the fax number for medical records from my ER visit a while back. I need to reschedule my OB appointment on the 19th to some other day, but I never can find the field trip calendar when it’s on my mind to call. I need to call the nurse back to find out about my progesterone levels. I need to clean the truck out. I need to finish cleaning the house. I need to write my father and tell him that I’m not coming because, conveniently, I have to be here to get Jacob when his dad drops him off which would conflict with the times of the party. I need to do lesson plan stuff for the week after next. I need to call the bank and dispute a charge on my card. I need to order checks since I’ve been out for months. I need to pay bills. Other stuff I need to do that I’m not thinking of at the moment, but there’s enough of it to keep me busy for a while.

Instead, I just wanted to lay and sleep, but I couldn’t even do that. Now it’s too late. I’m going to come home and be even more tired, and won’t do anything tonight either. I’m in that tired mode again, where I just feel so lethargic and want to stop moving and thinking and just lay. It’s only Wednesday (right?) and I just want to take a day off already so I can get some sleep… not that I slept bad last night, I didn’t… I went to bed around 10pm or so and slept till 6:something.

Maybe there’s some baby stuff going on in there that’s causing me to be so tired. Major growth or whatever… I don’t know.

I just wish I could wake up and have some energy right now.

I am pregnant.

More later. I’m also tired.

well, Jacob had his first soccer game Saturday. It was too sweet. They look like a school of fish out there chasing that ball. He did really well, kicked the ball a bunch of times and fell down once and got right back up and was chasing the ball down again. His team won 3-0. YAY!

He has a friend over now that spent the night. His mom wanted me to pull his tooth since he has pictures this week, so I did. Pretty painless. I did the string thing, which I don’t normally do, but this one was a little crooked and I could tell if I did it the slow squeezy way it was going to hurt him. He said he didn’t even feel it come out. Another YAY!

In other news, I’m wiped out. I am so tired I can barely function. I don’t know what’s gotten into me. I went to bed last night at a decent enough hour, slept in, and then took a two hour nap earlier. I’m still tired.

Stormed pretty bad last night. Sirens were going off so the boys were in the bathroom waiting for further tornado avoiding instruction. Jacob suggested they pray. The sight of both of them sitting on the edge of the bathtub with prayer hands was such a hoot I wish I’d had my camera.

Must have worked. No tornado blew us to bits.

Today was mostly sunny, except for this five minute storm that just blew through and laid buckets of hail all over the place. Now it’s sunny again.

Nothing like a Texas spring.

Got my financial aid award letter from the university. Am getting buttloads of aid… almost equivalent to my current yearly salary. I can ask for more in loans, and I just might do that so I don’t have to work that much. It would be great to find some afternoon job with school age kids or something and go to school the rest of the time and let that be my life until I finish my master’s.

I need to go and take a shower so I can get Lester back home, get Jacob to his dad’s and deliver my brother to the military base. I feel like a big taxi this weekend.

Pretty sad for someone who doesn’t even have a car.

I lost the last car I was bidding on… think I might just win the next one… It’s not like it’s some super wonderful car, but it’s cute and small- toyota corolla… it’s local so I don’t have to fly somewhere to get it and drive it back. It’s right next to Kim’s work, so I may have her go down and look at it or something.

I don’t care at this point. I just want something that is mine, that has a/c, that will have no payments and that will run well enough to get me through the next year or so.

More later. I need to shower. Time keeps on tickin, tickin, tickin, into the future…

wow. woke up this morning, and totally out of the blue- just started crying. Think it’s because I’m about to start my period. Cannot imagine what else it would be, because I wasn’t even thinking of anything. Well, maybe I was thinking of something, but it was probably just like… should I eat this morning or wait till tonight… nothing of any consequence… my mind is never totally empty though, and I hate that. Keeps me from sleeping a lot. Yogi Sam is back, and when I read him, it makes me feel so good — and makes me want to look more into meditation. Many people have told me that I should try it… but I’ve always been reluctant just because I so totally cannot imagine what it could be like to sit and not have a single thought going on. How could that be?

I’m bored right now. I’m tired, too. I spent a good portion of yesterday expending way too much emotional energy on a work issue. There is this girl at work who is the most one dimensional thinker I have ever seen in my life. And she’s been thrown into this position of making decisions about things that don’t really affect my area, but sort of affect similar areas throughout the company. And she has no experience, and she’s not inclined to think the way she should when making these decisions, and she acts like she has so damn much to do, so she makes decisions in haste. And did I mention she’s just a big fucking idiot? Also that she’s terribly abrasive? She gets on my nerves so bad… and the thing is, I don’t have to care about those decisions. I can look at them and decide for my area whether I want to take it or leave it. I almost always leave it because they are poor decisions that would never work. And it’s almost funny to watch them fail when they apply them in other places. However, lately, I’ve become increasingly annoyed with these things, and the way that everyone kind of sits around and they all become her little yes girls. It’s like, they don’t care. I still care, and that pisses me off. But you know what, I spent so much time on this one issue yesterday… total waste. I mean, I got my word in, and I got my goals accomplished, my…..

Newsflash- I think I’m going to be interviewed for a USA Today story. How friggin’ cool! Okay, well, maybe work ain’t so bad after all…

So where was I… Anyway, some days I think I should just hang out doing my little thing and not worry so much about all this stupid petty stuff, and if they want to ruin things, I should just let them fuck up on their own. My boss told me this last night, that every time they screw up, I go in and illustrate why they’re fucking up and they change things accordingly and are big heroes. She advised me to just let them screw up from now on. And I think I shall…

In other news- have taken a two day break from the new venture. I was “creating” myself to death. Tonight though, have a bunch of new shit to do… if all goes well.

I smell pizza.

Kids have friends over. They eat all the food in the house. Is this normal? Is this how it’s supposed to be? That I buy food for the whole neighborhood? Oh well, at least all his friends think I’m the cool sexy “mom” and all. Kinda funny and sick.

Gonna go take a nap, I’m wiped.