Mamarati

wow. woke up this morning, and totally out of the blue- just started crying. Think it’s because I’m about to start my period. Cannot imagine what else it would be, because I wasn’t even thinking of anything. Well, maybe I was thinking of something, but it was probably just like… should I eat this morning or wait till tonight… nothing of any consequence… my mind is never totally empty though, and I hate that. Keeps me from sleeping a lot. Yogi Sam is back, and when I read him, it makes me feel so good — and makes me want to look more into meditation. Many people have told me that I should try it… but I’ve always been reluctant just because I so totally cannot imagine what it could be like to sit and not have a single thought going on. How could that be?

I’m bored right now. I’m tired, too. I spent a good portion of yesterday expending way too much emotional energy on a work issue. There is this girl at work who is the most one dimensional thinker I have ever seen in my life. And she’s been thrown into this position of making decisions about things that don’t really affect my area, but sort of affect similar areas throughout the company. And she has no experience, and she’s not inclined to think the way she should when making these decisions, and she acts like she has so damn much to do, so she makes decisions in haste. And did I mention she’s just a big fucking idiot? Also that she’s terribly abrasive? She gets on my nerves so bad… and the thing is, I don’t have to care about those decisions. I can look at them and decide for my area whether I want to take it or leave it. I almost always leave it because they are poor decisions that would never work. And it’s almost funny to watch them fail when they apply them in other places. However, lately, I’ve become increasingly annoyed with these things, and the way that everyone kind of sits around and they all become her little yes girls. It’s like, they don’t care. I still care, and that pisses me off. But you know what, I spent so much time on this one issue yesterday… total waste. I mean, I got my word in, and I got my goals accomplished, my…..

Newsflash- I think I’m going to be interviewed for a USA Today story. How friggin’ cool! Okay, well, maybe work ain’t so bad after all…

So where was I… Anyway, some days I think I should just hang out doing my little thing and not worry so much about all this stupid petty stuff, and if they want to ruin things, I should just let them fuck up on their own. My boss told me this last night, that every time they screw up, I go in and illustrate why they’re fucking up and they change things accordingly and are big heroes. She advised me to just let them screw up from now on. And I think I shall…

In other news- have taken a two day break from the new venture. I was “creating” myself to death. Tonight though, have a bunch of new shit to do… if all goes well.

I smell pizza.

Kids have friends over. They eat all the food in the house. Is this normal? Is this how it’s supposed to be? That I buy food for the whole neighborhood? Oh well, at least all his friends think I’m the cool sexy “mom” and all. Kinda funny and sick.

Gonna go take a nap, I’m wiped.