Mamarati

Have you seen the sprint commercial with the wiener dogs? I about fell off the couch laughing at that… all hooked up like they were gonna pull the cart and then staaaaaaampede!

Funny crap.

Okay okay okay… serious stuff. I gotta figure out this damn school thing. I gotta drop the classes I was enrolled in because a) I don’t have the kizzash to pay for them and b) my work schedule is not gonna allow those hours to happen.

Where is the damn schedule book thingy?

Probably in that evil pile.

Have I mentioned the pile? The evil pile from hell that just keeps growing and growing and growing and which threatens to attack me at night whilst I sleep?

It all started from a little pile with a few magazines, misc. mail and J’s school papers that were laying on the table. Then I had to move that stuff because I moved the table to make room for the couch. So I put the pile on the floor in front of my bookcase in my bedroom. Then when all J’s stuff from his old school came home, I didn’t feel like messing with it all and sorting through it, so it went in the pile… and since then, every miscellaneous object that has entered this house has gone into the pile.

The pile is out of control. It’s at this point where I cannot even fathom going through it all, and would, in fact, rather set fire to it…

Anyway… In other news- I’m fat.

I have been eating like a pig. I mean, all day long, all night long, all the time, stuffing my face with food. And not like good stuff either… No no no, we couldn’t have that. Instead it’s fattening crap, sweet crap and chocolate crap.

I’m afraid to get on the scale. And really I don’t have to, because I can see it and feel it on me. It’s sucking. I’ve got to work out this bad eating thing I have going on. Why do I have to love food so damn much? Why does it have to be so good? Why do my taste buds have to be so accepting of everything?

Maybe eating is my sex right now. I’ve had basically no interest in sex at all lately.

Whatcha gonna do?

Oh well, at least it’s one less thing to worry about. Lately I’m more consumed with just reading and relaxing and playing games. My life has taken on this odd serenity. It’s like I worry about stuff for a few minutes and then it’s gone. It’s such work to worry, I’m finding. How can that be so, when it used to rob me of so much sleep… that inability to stop worrying and thinking about my plight.

I have no plight.

I’m starting to have an attitude adjustment… I read this quote the other day, and now I’m going to have to go find the thing… and it just totally kinda framed how I’m thinking and what I’m feeling and just my whole take on what I think I’ve been trying to figure out for so long. All this time I’ve spent so miserable… trying to figure out why why why? why me? What did I do to deserve this? Why does my life have to be like this? Why can’t anything just work? Why does nothing ever go right? Why can’t I do anything right?

And it just makes sense to me… something now- this makes sense. You know how I’ve been talking here for going on five years now about trying to simplify my life and all that? How I just wish things were simple… I have spent more time on that single line of thinking than on just about anything. It’s the constant running thread in the background of my mind.

So, the quote, from Andy Rooney-

“”For most of life, nothing wonderful happens. If you don’t enjoy getting up and working and finishing your work and sitting down to a meal with family or friends, then chances are you’re not going to be very happy. If someone bases his happiness or unhappiness on major events like a great new job, huge amounts of money, a flawlessly happy marriage or a trip to Paris, that person isn’t going to be happy much of the time. If, on the other hand, happiness depends on a good breakfast, flowers in the yard, a drink or a nap, then we are more likely to live with quite a bit of happiness.”"

And so it just clicked for me. I bitch and moan about how unhappy I am. About how my life is so damn complicated. About how I’ve never known happiness for as long as I can remember. About how I just want things to be simple…

The fact is- there are simple things in my life. Really, most things in my life are simple, when you break it down like that. I’m just not enjoying those things like I should because I’m so damn consumed with trying to figure out how to simplify or trying to figure out why I’m so unhappy.

Lately though, the simple things have been so nice- so enjoyable. They are really bringing me some feeling of contentment, of calm… I guess of happiness. I mean, no, laying in bed with my laptop, playing a game of Literati while lazily sipping on a cup of hot cocoa is not exactly the stuff that dreams are made of… but you know- it feels really really good to me. It’s so simple. I’m warm. I’m comfortable. I have something nearby that tastes so so good to me. I get to play a game that is language and strategy oriented. That’s it. It’s just really great. Having coffee and watching a morning news show before I go to work- who knew it could be so damn good? I mean- it’s really really good. And driving to work- takes me about fifteen minutes or so, and every single day I spend it thinking about what I would do if I won the lottery. It’s the funniest thing. Every day it’s something new. And it’s nuts, because- I know I will never be a millionaire. I know I will never win the lottery. At the rate I’m going, I’ll be lucky if I make a million dollars over my entire lifetime… Haha! But it gives me some odd but simple pleasure to visualize all the things I would do if I did win. All the things I would do for charities, for my friends, all the different businesses I would want to start or buy or invest in or whatnot… the places I would go…

And it’s just so weird- because I find myself with all these silly ideas about what to do with that much money, but for the first time, I can see that I wouldn’t really want my life, as it is right now at this moment, to change just a whole lot. A nicer house, a nicer car, all the bills paid… sharing the wealth with those I love… but outside of that- I don’t think I’d really want much to change. I’d still want to finish school. I’d still want to spend my life helping people or caring for people in some way… I’d still want to play Literati and I’d still want to recognize the happiness that lies in simple things like that… simple things like beating a video game, finishing a good read, candles around my bathtub, clean warm sheets fresh out of the dryer, a really good meal…

Makes me want to make a list of all the simple things that I really do enjoy.

Think I might do that in another entry…

It’s so weird… I have never felt this way, so I’m sorry if I sound like I’m gushing about it. I just think I may almost maybe be something like happy.

Could that be it?