Mamarati

I just had a really disturbing dream about my mom. my adoptive mom. I woke up feeling really scared.

skittish details: a trailer, mud, walking, her trying to ground me, cornering me, she had one tooth, confronted her about alcoholism and being emotionally dead, tried to hit her, was speaking to her in a very venemous way, we were in a big closet type thing…

anyway… I woke up and couldn’t sleep. started having thoughts about things… my mom and how I just really treated her with such ? distance and dread towards the end, because she just didn’t feel much like my mother. And now how I pity her.

Then I got to thinking about things… with this baby, with past babies. My first. I got to thinking about my oldest brother. and how I’ve never really dealt with what went on with him, and how I never really can because he holds that key to my past and I can’t risk losing it.

other thoughts, but it’s late and I do need to get some sleep, but I just wanted to make a note of thinking these things because it seems important somehow.

I’m going to have to deal with that stuff one day. I should probably get a head start now. or something.

just a thought.