Mamarati

Today Jacob is three. Wow. Three years. He’s getting so big, talking all the time. Figuring out the world…. We were going to go to see D’s parents, but with the pox, we figured it would be best to just stay here. D and I took him to Chuck E. Cheese’s, and he had a really good time with all the games, and he ate all of one bite of pizza.

I hate to say it, but it was kind of nice the three of us together as a family. Sometimes I wonder what the hell I’m doing, divorcing D. It’s not like he ever beat me or treated me like shit or whatever. Is it just me? Am I just being a bitch about this whole thing? Am I just bored with him? Am I stupid for doing this? I just don’t know about anything anymore… Seems like every day I have a doubt about leaving him, even though we’ve been separated for quite some time now. But then he does something that really pisses me off, that is just like what he used to do when we were married… stupid thoughtless things that he does, without an ounce of consideration to me. His priority in life was never me or my time. He never ever valued my time, or respected my need for time. I don’t think I was ever even in the top 10 on his priority list…. because he just gets consumed with other stuff, like inordinate amounts of television viewing and working more hours than he needs to for no more money, and forever sleeping.

He can never stand up for himself and say hey, I’m not going to work 15 hour days 7 days a week, because I have this whole family thing going on. And his incessant lateness, and I promise I’ll be there at X time and he never never never holds to it. I just never feel like I can depend on him. It’s so aggravating. And he spends so much time fucking around that it leaves me no time for myself, to further my education, to set and meet goals for myself. If I want to do anything for me, I have to take time away from Jacob. Because D is sure not going to take up any slack there. If I’m going to be doing everything on my own, then why not just REALLY be on my own. Then I’m not caring for three people full time. And here we are, after he has said that he would change things… and he doesn’t even seem to be trying. It’s the same old shit. So why do I doubt that I had to get out of that? I don’t know. I guess a lot of it is because I hate that I hurt him. I hate that this whole thing with raising Jacob is so complicated, and I feel like a weenie, that I can’t just buck up and get over all his bullshit in order to have Jacob grow up with both of us parenting together. And I’m not good at relationships at all… and at least I had one with him that wasn’t just totally sick and unhealthy and physically and mentally abusive.

It’s my kid’s birthday, and here I am thinking about all this shit.