Mamarati

Remember when I made that formal declaration about losing weight? You know, in the last entry and all. And I said, ummm… IT’S ON!

Yeah, well… see… what ha-happened was I had these things called good intentions.

I’ve since learned that the path to hell is paved with these friggin’ things.

I have been struggling with things. It stems from this relationship that I have with food. It stems from all that childhood stuff. You know, not having food when I was with my mother. Literally starving most of the time. And then having all that weird stuff at my dad’s… his literal fear of eggs and anything that comes out of them. Getting my chocolate rationed out to me at the children’s home. (”Here’s your 5 M&Ms. Come back tomorrow for another 5.”)

It’s just really hard to restrict myself. I think that’s why Atkins worked for me. I was like, “What? Eat all the meat I want? And still lose weight? Hell, Yeah!”

It occurs to me that it should be the opposite. I should be able to look back on the times when I was starving and KNOW that that is not what’s happening right now. I should not panic like an animal trapped in a cage when I start to calculate calories.

But I kind of do. It’s weird and hard to explain. It’s just one more of those times when I am cognizant of how I’m supposed to feel, and I’m completely aware of the reality of the situation… but my actual feelings seem to be governed by something else… something very deep that I can’t reach to change.

I told boyfriend the other night after struggling with it all day that it’s going to take some serious therapy for me to get to a point where I can really mess with the food part of losing weight.

So, I need to tackle this from another angle, which is the physical part. I mean, the truth is, even when I decided I was going to eat the damn cookies this week, I still came in under the 1550 calories that will get me to lose weight. It’s just that I can go a long time without eating a cookie when I’m not on a diet. I don’t even think about it. I eat pretty good, really. I eat fruits. I eat veggies. I cook almost everything from scratch — including bread, and I use whole wheat flour. I eat brown rice. I’m not that bad unless I know I HAVE to be good.

So yes, I have to attack this from the physical side of things. Except then there’s that whole injury thing… I have to figure this out. I think I’m on the verge of buying a treadmill, because at least I know that is something I’ve always enjoyed and that isn’t limited in any way by my arm being jacked up.

All in all, I expect to weight tomorrow and maybe have lost and maybe have stayed the same. I am betting on about half a pound. Which is still fine if I get my strategy worked out and then stay with it. I set the goal of 1 pound per week knowing that I didn’t want to try and do anything crazy, too hard, unrealistic or anything that would make me give up too easily… so half a pound would not be a disappointment at all. Even no loss at all (this week) would not be a disappointment because I feel like I’m getting the most important thing taken care of at the outset — my mental fitness.