Mamarati

So, I just got back from out of town… road trip with the family. Good times. Until… Suddenly my eye starts hurting.

Really hurting.

I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t open my eyes because it hurt. I couldn’t close my eyes because it hurt. No matter what I did, it hurt.

We started the long drive home (about 12 hours in the car) and I literally sat with my finger pressed into my eyelid (the only semi-comfortable position my eye could be) the entire time. It is
really difficult to try and keep your eye closed when it wants to be open and looking at things. Road trips are for seeing, no?

We got back home and the pain was getting worse, so we headed to Harris ER (savers of my arm, and quite possibly my life last time) where they gave me some numbing drops (boyfriend said they must have been loaded with mood enhancers as well, since my outlook on life changed
immediately upon application) and looked at my eyes with dye under a black light and said I have a corneal abrasion. Apparently your cornea is just loaded up with nerve endings, so it’s a bit of a painful thing.

They gave me a prescription for hydrocodone (my favorite oh darn!) and some antibiotic drops and sent me home feeling much better. I slept like a baby after nearly 48 hours of no sleep at all. I got up this morning at about 11:30 and went to open the front door to see if White Thing was out there wanting some crunchies and was blinded by the light. (Though not cut loose like a deuce or wrapped up like a douche or anything like that.) It was like instant migraine pain engulfing my entire head. The light was hurting me on the way home but not nearly this bad. Of course my eyes were closed and covered by fingers and sunglasses the whole time… but wow, this was seriously painful. It’s getting worse, too, which I don’t get, since the other pain is getting better (or is just masked by the hydrocodone?). I am sitting here writing this wearing sunglasses in my damn house because even at its lowest brightness setting, my screen is killing my eyes. I was in the back room doing laundry in my sunglasses.

I feel like Corey Hart or something.

I have an appointment with an ophthalmologist on Wednesday… I’m going to talk to him about this and also the dry eye thing… because this pain is not something that’s new. Only the severity of it this
time is what’s new. I’ve been waking up with my eyelid stuck to my eyeball off and on for about six weeks now. Generally it hurts just like this episode, but goes away within about an hour or so. It’s been
happening so frequently lately, though, that I’ve trained myself not to open my eyes too quickly when I wake up so that I don’t rip it. It seems to be OK if I take my time and allow some tears to build up with
pretend blinking before I open them completely. So, I don’t know if it’s possible that I have the chronic dry eye thing going on or if maybe I injured my eye six weeks ago and it’s just never healed
well… We were around a lot of smoke, sun and wind as well as recent painting and scraping of the house, so maybe that added to the injury? I guess I’m just trying to figure out which came first, the chicken or the egg here.

Here’s the scary eye:

Oh, and mental note to self: started period today. Joy.

Tim Russert has died of a heart attack. I’m just completely floored. I mean, he’s come to feel like a friend. Especially when there’s an election going on. The more I’ve grown to care about politics, the more present he has been in that process. I’m seriously a little worried about what this will mean for us out here. He was like the guy who did the tough critical thinking that my mind just couldn’t do with all the information that’s out there. He was so on top of things. I’m sure many Americans feel the same way… I mean, it’s nice to know that someone out there has that job and does it so well.

I’m watching the coverage and I’m really happy to hear that he’s remembered by those around him as not just a great journalist but as a dedicated father. Over and over they keep talking about how involved he was with his son. I hope all those dads out there tempted to give in to the pressures of overworking see that and say “No, I’m going to spend some time with my kids.”

Sad. Sad, sad day.

Olbermann is choked up. Don’t see that often.

So, I read this article in the New York Times about these two couples who had sex every day for periods of time (one for a year and one for 101 days). They both wrote about the experience (365 Nights and Just Do It) and I’m jumping on that bandwagon much to my boyfriend’s joy. (He just tonight renamed it “Sex Every Day for the Rest of Our Lives”).

We’ll see.

So far my biggest worries are those days when I’m feeling not so fresh and being on my period, which yeah yeah yeah for those of you who have no issue with this at all. I’m sorry. I just … would rather not. I’m not scared of my junk and I’m not a prude and I’m not being kept down by the man or whatever… I just am not a fan.

Anyway, tonight is night three and so far, so good.

I mean… so far, sooooooooo good.

I mean, can I really be OK with right now?

I feel like I need to be looking over my shoulder for the next stressful event to happen or for my relaxed state of mind to washed away in an instant.

Self-inflicted or not.

Surely this can’t last.

Whatever. I’m going to enjoy it while it does last.

In other news… we’re painting the house.

And we’re about to go on a road trip.

And Jacob is about to go to camp with his dad.

I wish I had something profound to say but really, I’m just enjoying reading for pleasure lately and pulling myself together after what seems like nonstop GO GO GO for the last 20 or so years of my life. I feel like this is my first break from … ? things in as long as I can remember.

It’s really quite nice.

So, I did something recently that I’m feeling rather strange about. I quit school, basically.

I’m this close to the end and I threw up my hands and said, “I can’t do this any more.”

There are a number of reasons why I did it. It’s actually been something I’ve been thinking about doing since I fell off the roof. I mean, what better time to take care of myself than then? But instead, I did not do that. I took it a little bit slower, but basically kept plowing through. And then all these things started happening with Jacob and the surgeries and the changes in his diet and on and on happened… things I did not forsee. And so, for the last year or so, I think I have been slowly losing my mind.

I mean, there have been actual moments where I have questioned my sanity. Where I felt like I was close to a nervous breakdown or something. I just felt pulled so tight all the time and the only logical next step was to snap. And all the while I was doing that thing… that superwoman thing where you tell yourself that you’ve got your shit together and you can do anything you put your mind to and all that other bullshit that really just means you can be all things to all people but you won’t be worth a damn to yourself.

So, no. I cannot be all things to all people. I cannot handle all this stuff on my plate. I cannot do it all. For now, I have got to focus on my family, my work, my relationships and myself. I wrote to my adviser and let her know I was losing my mind dealing with everything and talked a bit about the stuff going on with Jacob (more on that later, it’s all getting weird with doctors and such) and she was cool and agreed that I need to focus on family stuff. School will be there whenever I’m ready to go back.

The other thing is work. I feel like… Due to the flexible nature of my job, I feel like there have been times when I have given it my all and really thrown myself into it. And I enjoy those times more than anything. But then when things come up like they have lately, I feel like my work suffers greatly. It’s the thing that can bend the most, so I let it absorb the shock of any trauma or stress in my life. I’m lucky to have such a job. But I really miss working. School was not allowing me much room for that. And it’s like, for years I’ve been trying to finish school and something always happens that cuts into it. But still, I keep chasing down this thing that I want to be. This future occupation or career or whatever. And suddenly, I’m like, “Why?” Why do I keep chasing down something else when what I really love to do is what I’m already doing? If I’d just DO IT already. Like, if I would just go on and really give myself to it…

I had the fortune to go to an event recently that was for other folks who do the same thing I do… actually two events. One was specifically for folks that work at About.com and the other was for mommy bloggers. And I talked to other folks who felt the same way I did. Folks who may also have other jobs and maybe right now they are asking themselves if they are ready to take the plunge and do it full time. Leave the day job behind and just do THIS. I talked to some people who had already taken the plunge and they talked about how scary it was to finally realize that they were writers and that they didn’t have paychecks that were written in stone but that if they dedicated themselves to it, they would make it just fine and maybe even be more than just fine. I talked to moms who were contemplating never going back to corporate America in favor of staying home with their kids and blogging their lives and interests. There are sacrifices to be made, for sure… trade-offs. But I think they might be worth it.

And I’m feeling so many things right now… Anxiety. Fear. Excitement.

But mostly I’m feeling this amazing sense of relief. Like this huge burden has been lifted and the pressure is gone. I feel refreshed. I’m sleeping better. I’m thinking more clearly. I don’t feel like I’m running around in a fog. I don’t feel like a time bomb about to go off. I feel like I can finally relax for a moment and maybe even enjoy a few parts of my life. Even though there are still stressful things going on and there’s still that element of chaos, I feel like I can handle it now.

There is not single clean spoon in the house. So, I am eating Honey Nut Os with the tablespoon measuring spoon. Lovely. Jacob did the dishes yesterday but there were two loads, so no room for the overflowing silverware basket. It sits on my counter now, because I am resisting the urge to do all the things that my kid is completely capable of doing. This is all in an effort to make him more responsible and me less tired and pissy that I do everything and he does jack and squat.

At any rate, I did too much research and then checked my work mail and then forgot I hadn’t eaten today and then…

So I’m going to have to go to the library on Monday because we’ve got to go do allergy shots after school. There just are not enough hours in the day. Especially when you are behind.

Also, today is report card day, so the weekend could be dramatically changed based on the misery level of the boy if he gets grounded for poor grades. I’ve got my fingers crossed. He’s been working so hard to keep up and get all his make-up work done… he’s been working hard on his writing… Please, Lord, don’t make me have to ground him.

http://www.boingboing.net/2008/04/24/untitled-1.html

Email from rep regarding the powdered sugar in Newman O’s (doesn’t break the ingredients down):

Stephanie,
There are some corn ingredients in the NewmanO’s. the vanilla is grain
distilled (probably corn), but you are correct about the powdered sugar-
there is about 2% cornstarch in the powdered sugar.

Newman’s Own Organics pretzels (all varieties), Soy Crisps (4 varieties)
and 3 varieties of Hermit cookies are corn free. There is corn present
in the manufacturing facility.
I hope this is helpful.

Peggy Westenhofer
Director of Customer Relations
Newman’s Own Organics
831-685-2866

—–Original Message—–

Posted At: Monday, March 24, 2008 6:44 PM
Posted To: Web Inquiries
Conversation: ‘Talk To Us’ Information Sent!
Subject: ‘Talk To Us’ Information Sent!

This was sent from the ‘Talk To Us’ page of the Newman’s Own Organics
website.

Name: Stephanie Brown

Do your Newman Os have any corn ingredients? My son is allergic to corn
and it\’s in everything. I\’d love to find a safe cookie for him. I\’m
thinking if it\’s in anything it\’s in the powdered sugar (sometimes
contains corn starch) unless you process your own from straight sugar.
Thanks a bunch!

Corn-free according to rep I talked to yesterday. No ingredients derived from corn.

No reaction from the kiddo thus far in brownies that contain said chips.

So, we’ve been to the allergist, pulmonologist and otolaryngologist this week and none of those appointments went well, really.

He’s reacting to the allergy shots. The rotation was becoming impossible with everything that’s going on and I think there’s more that he’s allergic to that the diet isn’t revealing but that he may be having problems with. He’s so reactive to everything in general, however, so it’s hard to tell what symptoms are related to what. He got blood taken so they can do a more comprehensive blood test and we’ll go from there. He might be a candidate for something called Xolair… but of course I know nothing about it so that’s something that I will have to spend an assload of time researching and even after all that, it’s unlikely that insurance will cover it. One of the nurses said if they don’t cover it, it ends up costing something like $1,000 a month.

Ouch. Can you say ouch?

He’s got a cold that has moved into his lungs and is causing problems with his breathing (160 on the peak flow meter today and he should be blowing 240).

The fungus is filling up his sinuses, still. He said we need to have another surgery (will be the third in a year) in a month or so after some time on steroids to help get the inflammation under control.

MRSA has spread to his little sister (over at his dad’s house) now, so he’s back at my house 24 / 7 until they have the “all clear” over there. His step-mom is engaged in insane house bleaching and whatnot and ended up having to quit her job this week to handle all the health issues that are going on there.

He can’t go back to school until his lungs are better so he’s home.

He’s hopped up on decongestant, steroids, antihistamines, breathing treatments, expectorant, acid controller, sinus rinses… on and on. So, it’s not like he’s his normal self. He’s more like a Tasmanian devil that goes and goes and goes until he collapses from exhaustion.

I’m tired. I can’t believe the way this year is going. It’s like a replay of last year, with one thing after another going wrong. I can’t believe the semester is almost over and I still have so much to do. I can’t believe everything is going to work out OK. But it has to. Because…

Because I said so, dammit. It’s all going to be fine and work out OK and none of this is going to kill us. Make us stronger, right? Yeah. Make us stronger.

In good news, today, the FedEx guy showed up with a happy new MacBook and that should greatly increase my productivity at work and with school.

I’m so tired, though… I opened the box, plugged it in to charge the battery and walked away. I can’t even deal with all that with the current state of affairs. I’m typing this out on the devil I know… and that’s a sad statement. Sad.

More later, maybe.

My horoscope today:

“You are content today as you explore your feelings in the privacy of your own space. Emotional security is important to you now and you may be most satisfied wherever you are safe and sound. Once properly sheltered, you can travel anywhere you desire within the active thoughts of your imagination.”

Maybe that’s what I was doing last night when I was completely flipping out to my boyfriend about how much I hate the way everything is going right now. I mean, really, I think it all comes down to being tired and my time never being my own. It comes down to having a To Do list a mile long and none of the items on it are things I want to do. Some days I just want to lay down and sleep for like a week, I’m so f&*%$ tired. I just want some down time. And it kinda makes me a ball of rage now and again when it all builds up.

Of course, my handy dandy menstrual cycle widget says I’m going to start my period tomorrow… so that could have something to do with it as well. I just feel like I want to curl up with a big box of chocolates or a pint of ice cream and cry.

Instead, I am going to go take a bath and get all the oatmeal residue off me. Last night was an itchy allergy night and a mosquito got me on my foot and it was no bueno — swollen and red and itchy — so I took a Benadryl and an oatmeal bath. Then I am going to get caught up on my assignments for school.

And then… maybe brownies.

Please please take the coffee out of the house. I can’t take the smell or the temptation any more. I still have a headache and am sore.

Why can’t I learn?

I am placing my fate in your hands, here. I’m weak. You must be strong enough for both of us. Or, well.. just me really.

Too hilarious. Oh British TV… how I love you and wish you could be mine.

We just had a little mini hail storm. Good times.

Well, something has gone wrong in the date keeping area of my brain. And it’s been going wrong since I gave up the use of my DayRunner. Actually, when I was using my Mac exclusively, I had iCal and there’s this thing about a Mac… it’s much like opening a book. When you open it, everything is visible and working in just seconds, so it’s like having a paper calendar. That worked for me.

On Windows, not so much. Back in the 90s, I tried to get used to using the Outlook calendar and others. But when you want a quick reminder of what’s on your To Do list and your computer is asleep, it’s a much bigger fiasco. There’s more chugging and churning and time passes so slowly. Like a watched pot that never boils, so were those systems on Windows trying to awake from sleep and open programs without giving a blue screen of death.

So, I ditched any Windows-based calendars and stuck to the devil I knew, which was my DayRunner, classic edition, one page per day.

When I got my iBook a few years ago, iCal took the place of my DayRunner quite nicely.

Then I fell off the roof and had to get the Windows Vista so I could do accurate speech recognition / handwriting recognition. Since I was functioning at a bare minimum anyway during the months and months of recovery, a calendar really didn’t do much for me. I wasn’t making any appointments, going to any meetings, driving. I had to depend on everyone else around me for my scheduling needs.

Now that things are back to normalish and I’m needing to be more productive (I’m back in school full time and working as full time as possible, doing the normal mom things) I’m finding that I can’t seem to get my ducks in a row. My system has been all jacked up and all my habits broken (both good and bad) by the time I spent on bedrest.

In writing all this out, I’m wondering why I feel the need to justify or rationalize my decision to buy a DayRunner refill. Do I feel guilty because I like paper? Do I feel like it’s an oddity since I’m such a computer nerd and yet I crave hard copies of parts of my life? I’m not sure, but I just know that this is not the year for me to be unproductive. This is the year I get it all done.

On top of that, after some hemming and hawing and much complaining about the way Vista behaves and after counting in my head all the hours that are wasted on extra clicks, clicks, clicks, clicks… After realizing that my system is loaded with more RAM than Vista can even handle and has way fast processors and still it is just so slow and clunky… After thinking about all the ways Vista is not intuitive and after way too many times thinking in my head, “If I were on my Mac, I would just do x, y or z and this whole thing would be overwith, but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO here I am still waiting on Vista,” or, “Why did Vista just do that? I did not tell it to do that. I did not tell it to reorganize my desktop icons or save that file there.” I decided to just break down and buy a MacBook.

So, I look forward to joining the ranks of the productive again. Some time around the 14th, I will be there. Until then, I will continue to curse, throw my hands in the air, bang my head on the keyboard and sigh exasperatedly at this piece of crap machine.

In other news, I did not take many pictures at Camp Baby. I was too busy talking and well, I was just tired the whole time I was there. I did manage to snap this shot, confirming that I am the master of Wii Bowling and that Heather is a looooooser. Actually, I’m not that great at bowling on the Wii. Jacob is way better and beats me all the time. Somehow on this night, however, I managed to get like 5 or 6 strikes in a row. Odd.

Also, the lasagna of last night… I really love the food saver machine. I really am contemplating doing more bulk cooking. This will probably be doubleplusgood when the new computer gets here since nightly cooking tends to break into my most productive work hours. I’m on a roll between 4 and 6 — in that hyperfocused zone, you know?