Mamarati

So…

I’m exhausted today.

And…

I hate to say it, but I can’t wait for school to start.

School for me, you might ask? No.

School for my kid.

OMG I am so ready for school to start.

And it’s not just for all those reasons that frazzled moms give at the end of the summer like:

• He’s driving me nuts
• He’s testing his limits every second of the day
• He’s not listening
• He just wants to lay around the house and do nothing
• He’s driving me nuts

No, I have other reasons, too. Like, after this surgery has cleared out years worth of painful junk from his head… I’m kind of excited to see if life will be different at school with less irritation for him. I’m looking forward to seeing if the large print books will make a difference in his life… after all, we have only been fighting to get the damn things for how long???????

Despite my bitching and moaning about his behavior, I’m very well aware that much of his behavior has less to do with him and more to do with me and my swinging moods dealing with pain. And then dealing with painkillers. And just trying to deal with life since the accident and with all that’s gone on this past year. I am not going to pretend that some of that doesn’t spill over.

So, despite all the bitching and moaning, I do see changes in him. He’s filling out. He’s finding new interests. He’s trying more instead of defying more. He’s starting to gain a larger sense of what it means to be responsible, to care, to think before acting.

It’s not always there… but it’s coming out.

And so I am looking forward to (and also dreading) some of the changes that are in store for him. I know it’s going to be a rollercoaster… but I am ready to start pulling back and letting go. I really am.

I really really am. Hindsight tells me I should have been ready way before now. But hindsight can bite me.

Anyway, one of the other reasons is that, dammit — I am ready for some peace and quiet around here. I am ready to get some damn work done. I am ready for full-on, hard core speech recognition instead of stealing scarce moments during the day when my hand will cooperate long enough to barely eek something acceptable out. I am ready for zero guilt trips when I can’t be the cruise director on the S.S. Jacob.

Oh, I hear Boyfriend’s car. Exciting. That means tacos.

More on this later… Because I didn’t even get to the frustrated part.