Mamarati

I used to be obsessed with the Bermuda Triangle. As a kid, I had some kind of perception of it that was askew– like that as soon as ships went in or planes flew in, they just disappeared. Just like that, lickety split. Every plane, every ship. I had some idea that you weren’t even supposed to go into the area.

I have no idea what fueled this, but I remember thinking about it a lot. I remember being scared that my birthmother would fly in there and disappear and when I went to look for her one day, she’d be gone.

There’s a show on TLC about this right now.

I’ve decided that I need a dog. I really really need a dog.

I love Jacob to death, but it’s not his job to make me feel unlonely or fulfilled. He has too much will and independence for all that. He doesn’t make me feel needed for much more than meals and fast forwarding through commercials and laundry and such.

I need a dog. I want someone to be happy to see me when I come home. I want someone to snuggle with and pour my affection on. I want to feel like some other life is here when I am alone and Jacob isn’t here, but not necessarily a life that needs a lot of my undivided attention.

I need to feel useful.

I feel like I have outlived my usefulness in other places in my life I guess…