Mamarati

I have this big long book of an entry that I’ve started, that I started long ago, that I’m not done with… mostly trying to find the years from 14 on. Starting with this very feeling I feel now. Wanting to die. Having something bug me so bad and so often that I felt like that was the only way to get away from it.

The gist of it is this… I tried to end my life because of a swooshing noise.

I am really crazy. I really really am. There is no other way to explain something like that. How could a swooshing noise drive someone to that? It couldn’t. Unless they were fucking certifiably insane.

I feel so weird right now. This is not normal. This. This. This.

This is not how I normally feel when I feel like this.

How very sad is it that I have a “normal” feeling of wanting to die and an “abnormal” feeling of wanting to die.

This is like, where they say there are signs, and I suddenly feel myself acting on them like I have no control over it. As if I’m watching myself play the part of a character in another person’s life.

This is what I get for being all psychologically aware and cognizant of everything. I can see myself doing things and I can know what they are but I feel powerless to stop them. Impulsive or something. Reactive or instinctive or like… a reflex.

I suddenly feel like writing letters and making plans and cleaning up and saying all the things I’ve wanted to say to a million different people and I feel like giving all my things away.

I know what that means.

I fucking know what that means. I fucking know what that means. I fucking know.

I know that it means I don’t think I’ll need things where I’m going. I know that it means I’m a step closer to this than I have been in a very long time.

Why is it when I think like this I suddenly feel calm? As if I’ve found this magical solution to all my problems… How is it that I can think this way? I don’t understand. As if after doing this there will still be a me to enjoy the benefits of a solution. There won’t be.

I don’t understand.

I’m really really really sick. I really really am. I don’t know how to fix this.

And I’m… to the point where I’m actually… asking God to help me. But I don’t even think he’s out there, I have so little faith in that, but I just need anything right now. I just need anything.