Mamarati

It’s officially my spring break.

I don’t feel like it is really, but, whatever.

I’m waiting on a couple of books to arrive from Amazon. One of them I need for class… I was at my “renewal limit” at the library so had to break down and buy it… and the other I need to do a term paper.

They’re about slow as Christmas.

I should have cooked dinner tonight, but I didn’t. I did a bunch of work and Christina came over. She’s asleep on the couch now. I’ve heard her thing go off several times now. Thing being alarm in this case.

I’ve really been losing words lately. I may have mentioned this before. If I did, I don’t remember.

And that’s the whole damn point.

I think I’m trying to think of so many things at once and I’m so distracted all the time… preoccupied. See, I had to stop and take nearly a full minute to think of that word, even. What the ?

There goes her alarm again.

She’s notoriously awful at waking up.

I think I might have lead poisoning. Perhaps that’s the problem with my memory. I’m losing my vocabulary small bits at a time. Pretty soon I won’t be able to tie my shoes or drive a car.

It’s those dishes from Mexico, I just know it.

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Speaking of which, I’ve decided not to garden this year. I’m wanting to save the money for our trip to Mexico in December. The water bills were so high last year and for a whole lot of nothing. Once it got hot I didn’t want to be out there weeding and tending the garden. When I’m ready for it again, I’m going to have square foot garden beds closer to the house. Less work. Less water. Less space. More food. All that sounds good to me.

Plus, I really just want to focus on getting all the damn stickers out of an area of the yard so we can walk on it, and I want to get the areas around the house looking less trashy. I want to plant perennials and bulbs and things like that in beds around the house that I don’t have to mess with so much every year. Native plants and such that can tolerate 60+ days over 100 degrees with no rain.

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I think my vagina is broken again. The last week or so I’ve really just been feeling very asexual. I have no idea what it is, either. I’m not on Claritin, which is a hard core sex drive killer, btw. I think it may just be that I’m not taking very good care of myself. You know, I don’t feel good about me right now, because I’m doling myself out to so much other stuff. School and work and Jacob and everything is just in such a limbo state. I’m really inbetween everything. Not done with school. Work’s never done and never where I really want it to be. Jacob’s got so much going on and I’m fighting the school once again. He’s not where I want him to be. My relationship with my boyfriend is in a permanent state of limbo. And that shouldn’t bother me, I mean, because I am very happy and know that taking that last step isn’t going to change the way we are… but it’s still like suspended animation or something.

I guess I just hate having so many things open. I’m ready for the part in my life where I rest. I’m ready to be where I’m going. I’m ready to stop all the going. It’s like that feeling of never being caught up.

And when I get in that rut, I’m never taking care of me. I’m never really eating right or sleeping right or expending energy in a balanced way. I’m never able to just read a book for pleasure or take an afternoon nap on a weekend just because I want to. I’m never able to turn my thoughts off and relax. Because something is always pending.

I just don’t feel right overall.