Mamarati

Well, here I am. Just put Jacob to bed, and I am so tired. He has surgery in the morning, we have to be at the hospital at 6:30am. I need to wake him up at 1:30am so that he can eat for the last time before the operation. Darrin comes home tonight. I will be so glad to see him. It feels like we aren’t even married anymore sometimes when he is away like this. He was going to take this manager position at a photography studio, for less money so that he could stay home and perhaps go back to school. Now it looks like we will be moving to another state. Joy. It will be more money though, and we are in a hole that is so deep I don’t know if we will ever get out. Maybe if we won the lottery. Ha.

Jacob has been falling asleep on his back, and when I turn him over he will stay asleep for a little while, and then will wake up unable to get back to sleep. Then if I turn him back over on his back, he will go right back to sleep. Makes me nervous about the whole aspiration of milk or formula deal. But it isn’t like I don’t check on him enough for something like that to go unnoticed. I am so tired.

So far as moving, It is going to be a hard move. I am not looking forward to all the headache that it will bring. Packing, loading, unloading, wondering if something was forgotten, dealing with Jacob through the whole ordeal, explaining to everyone why it is that we need to move, coming up with money to do it in the first damn place. Time Time Time. What about time? And look where we are moving. As if it wasn’t bad enough where we lived last time? Now this? I am worried about the racism that we might encounter. I don’t want to raise my son with a lot of that. God forbid he turn out like… never mind. I won’t even say it.

And then leaving Kim, and grandparents… I just have one thing to say. They better fork out some serious dough for us to move.

Anyway. I called for the course catalog for a school there. The lady said she’d send it to me and said she thought they had Secondary English Education. Hope so. I will probably have to move to do my Master’s or do some serious commuting or do the electronic university thang.

As if I will ever get my degree. I don’t know what the hell I am talking about. I will probably go to my grave without an education, and I will be another statistic. Joy again. Just don’t know if I can handle all the JOY in my life.

Well, bitch I may, bitch I might, have this bitch I bitch tonight… but I have to get some sleep. I need to get Jacob up in a couple of hours, and then Darrin will be home and I will want to talk to him, and then it will be time to get up and go for surgery, plus I have to get his diaper bag ready and all that crud.

More later, after the operation…