Mamarati

I am some kind of freaking out. I am paranoid, I can’t sleep for fear of being raped and robbed, or the house will burn down or carbon monoxide will kill us. I feel so crazy right now… I don’t think I would ever do that, but I sure wish I could just disappear for a while, or just make everything stop or even just slow down for a while so I can catch my breath and think straight.

I think I need some counseling. Things are just not right with me. I am so scared and confused.

I am awake and it is 1:30am. I haven’t gotten to sleep before 3am in about a week. And then Jacob has been waking up at about 7am, so I have been running on virtually no sleep. I am just so scared that I can’t sleep. I turn all the lights on in the house, and I just lay there with my eyes open wide, listening to every sound outside, and I keep my eyes on the baseball bat, and I keep a pocket knife by the clock in case I have to stab someone. I have been wondering if this has anything to do with the postpartum depression stuff, or if it is just because Darrin has been out of town for so long, and I am alone. I would write it all off to Darrin’s absence, but I think it is more than that. I am not right. Something isn’t kosher with me. I am losing my grip on….. ??? I don’t really know what. My thoughts aren’t well. I am sad, and angry and confused and paranoid and tired and sometimes I just think who cares?

J has to have surgery on his eye again. Probably in the next week or two. They want to do it as soon as possible. Great. One more thing. All I do is worry. I can’t stop thinking about all the things that could go wrong. I don’t know what to do. I just don’t know what to do. And what about aspiration, or SIDS? I mean, it just won’t stop, as soon as I get one thought to leave, I have another that is even more disturbing.

I need to try to sleep.